I HATE change. I think that everything should stay the same, ALWAYS. I think nothing should ever be allowed to change. People shouldn’t change, places shouldn’t change, things SHOULDN’T change… EVER.
But, of course, at the same time…
I want everything to change. I HATE the way that it is and it SHOULDN’T be that way. It’s wrong and it’s unacceptable and it needs to be different.
I just don’t know how to reconcile these two things.
I have these moments in my life, that rock my whole existence. And not in a good way. They change everything I think about life. They make it hard to breathe. They feel like everything that is horrible and awful and terrible about the world is all wrapped up in this one thing, one story, one picture, one experience.
I had one yesterday. Something happened, something that I knew was going to happen, someday, but yesterday, someday became today and the terrible thing that I dreaded, happened. It changed the whole way that I think about the world. It changed my whole experience with life, my hopes and dreams, my reasons for being.
The thing is… what happened… it had nothing to do with me. It was someone that I don’t know making a big life decision, but it affected me. And it almost feels like I knew something was going to happen…
I woke up in the morning and didn’t want to go swimming, so I shut the alarm off and stayed in bed, hoping for some more sleep. When that didn’t happen, I got up and took a shower. I’m not a morning person. I’m trying to be… well, pretending to be, because my running and cycling classes are at 5:30am and I find it easier to exercise in the morning. So for me to get out of bed without any reason, that’s a big deal.
But, I wanted to write before I had to work. I ended up working first. My boss’ vacation is wreaking havoc on my “free” time at work. And it is giving me a whole lot of extra work and migraine headaches everyday. I don’t want to be an Air Traffic Controller. That’s pretty much what he does… for a marketing company. It’s not for me.
It’s hard for me to deal with the temporary change of me doing his job while he’s gone. It’s only two weeks, right? How long could that be? How much can happen in two weeks?
So how to adjust to this new reality? The temporary one and the permanent one too. How do you go about simple things when your chest is tight and your throat is scratchy and you’re already stressed out and trying to deal with a migraine?
Cookies for dinner. And tater tots.
I’m not suggesting it. I’m just telling you what I did.
I woke up this morning to a new set of horrors. The ones from yesterday are still there and still hard to think about and accept. But there are new things to think about and new projects to conquer. And as the days go by, the things that changed don’t seem so foreign anymore. They become reality… if you wait long enough.