The Ideal Partner Type for an INFJ

What is the best type match for the INFJ? 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked this question. There are so many theories out there as well. You can find one to fit whatever you want it to be. Let’s go through some of those theories. 

Opposites attract

The most generally accepted theory is that opposites attract. For the INFJ this would be an ESTP. That would mean our introverted, future focused, feeling all the feelings selves would be paired with a loud, present minded, logical and spontaneous adventure. (can you tell I’m cringing just writing this) 

It’s completely up to you whether or not you are open to that particular adventure. I want to cry just thinking about it. Don’t send me messages about how much you love your ESTP, this is just my opinion. 

Some people suggest someone who isn’t quite so opposite like an ENFJ or an ENTP, as long as they have the extrovert part down. There are certainly benefits and drawbacks to this situation. The biggest benefit and drawback is the extroverted thing. Extroverts will push introverts out of their comfort zone, but at the same time they may not understand and appreciate our need to recharge. And in the grand scheme of things, that could end up being a big thing. It’s all about what you want.

Samesies

Some theories say that the same personality type works well together. This could be hard for INFJs to find another INFJ because we are so rare. Although, we do have a community of them here, so it’s a lot easier these days. 

The advantage of being with another INFJ is that you would understand each other so well. But the disadvantage is that you both probably have the same or at least similar weaknesses. When neither one of you wants to make a phone call or go to the grocery store because people, how does anything get done? 

Oh so close 

I heard another theory recently that makes a lot of sense to me. This theory says that your best match is only one off of your personality type based on the chart below. For the INFJ that means the best matches are INTP, ENFJ and INFP.

For the INFJ that means the best matches are INTP, ENFJ and INFP. I happen to love this theory actually, but we’ll get to that later. 

When you have only one or two letters off of your type still have a lot in common and a lot that works. You will still get a lot of understanding, but enough difference to keep things interesting. 

My niece is an INTP and  we get along really well. We are both introverted and intuitive which gives us many similarities. But we think and feel things differently and we process things differently. It’s a good balance of being similar but different. There’s a lot of understanding there as well. 

I also have a friend who is ENFJ, who I love. She has a lot of energy and excitement and is always ready to get things done. She’ll just pick up the phone to make a call or even walk right up to someone and start talking… someone she doesn’t even know and has no obligation to talk to! It’s fascinating to watch and a little horrifying. I adore her, but only in small doses.

Just be healthy

A lot of people will tell you that any two types can be together as long as they’re both healthy. I’m sure that’s true, though I have yet to find anyone who’s really healthy, myself included. 

I know that relationships are all about the work and effort that you put into them, but I also know that some are just naturally easier than others. Why not give yourself every advantage you can for such an important decision? 

My own theory

I know you’ve been waiting, so here goes. I’m very partial to INFPs. I have this dream, that I’m manifesting right now, that I’m going to meet an INFP who is ready and willing and available for a relationship. Can you hear me universe?? I’m waiting… not so patiently!

Here’s my thought process: INFPs are introverted, so no forced social gatherings on the regular. They are intuitive, so bring on all the deep conversations about life and meaning and depth. They also read between the lines and just know things, like we do. Also, they have all the feels too. This could get touchy, I admit. It’s not a perfect plan, but that’s what makes it real. 

Then there’s that last letter that makes all the difference. They are the spontaneity to our planning and the mess to our organization. They are also the rainbows and lightness to our dark and heavy. They can lift us up to see the good in things and people, but also sit with us in the peaceful calm, just being alone… together. Can you see the hearts in my eyes? Doesn’t it sound like heaven? *sigh*

The real truth

Ok, so in the end I have to go back and say that any type can work with any type. I really do believe that, even though I’m convinced I need an INFP. The key is the healthy part. And it’s up to you to work on your weaknesses continually so that you can get to a healthy place. Any relationship will require work, maturity and communication, no matter what theory you buy into. 

What about you? What types have you dated and what’s your experience? 

We need a community for INFJs. We need a place where we can come together and learn from each other. We need a place where we can connect with people who are just like us and make lifelong friends and business connections. 

It’s here.

11 thoughts

  1. I had a 2.5 year relationship with an INFP. However it was fully online, we never got around to meeting face to face. We always knew we wouldn’t last because of the distance geographically and rather a large distance age wise. We still keep in contact, as hard as that is for us as we both can’t seem to move on completely. As an INFJ I tend to hide different sides of me from different people. She was the only one who knows every side of me and my heart aches to think I’ll have to let my walls down to someone else again.

    Other than that, yes a relationship with an INFP is just amazing.

  2. I once had a thing with a sightly depressed ENFP. The depression dulled his vibe a lot, but other than that, it was bliss… We had such a strong connection. I’ve never had anyone get me like he did. We thought alike and had so much similar preferences, so much in common it was downright weird. Don’t know if it had much to do with the fact that we were both depressed.
    Had to break it off cause my feelings for him were not reciprocated, but it was deep.
    Also, hanging out with someone who has the same issues as you can be blissful as they understand you but not helpful cause as an empath, you somehow suck that energy and feel their problems projected onto you as well. And it really sucks when you trying to help them, despite what you’re going through but it seems like nothing you do ever works or is just not enough… Like pouring out of an almost empty jug.
    Just realised I was doing a mini rant. Okay I’ll stop now🙃.

  3. I am personally drawn to a less feely, more logical man. I feel like I can get away with the “feelies” as a woman, but I find myself less attracted to those qualities in a man. I want him to be strong and stable so I can be the more sensitive (feminine) one. I’m attracted to the intj. He keeps me grounded.

  4. I have been married 26 years to an INTJ. What I love about him is his ability to not care what people think about him. He’s not emotional. I also love that he needs just as much time alone as I do and he doesn’t get offended. The only really annoying thing about an INTJ is he doesn’t do the endless hours of deep communication I would love. However, he will let me blabber on while he’s working on the computer, and he almost never criticizes me.

  5. Hi Sarah,

    My husband is and INFP and I’m an INFJ. I think you are bang on in your theory of the best personality type matches being one letter off.

    Our relationship is exactly as you describe and my daughter is an INFP and my son and ENFJ or and INFJ (he’s young so I’m not sure yet) and we all coexist very well.

    We have a very calm, serene household even though my kids are young. We enjoy spending time alone, together.

    My husband and I connect on very deep levels and love having long quiet walks/hikes, sitting quietly having tea in the afternoons listening to the rain or snow or a passing thunderstorm, reading together in bed, sitting around an campfire or fireplace talking about the world, life, history, theories, possibilities.

    The only tension we have in our relationship is if we get burnt out or too stressed at the same time and we both need to recharge and can’t step in for each other. It doesn’t happen often but when it does we usually get cranky with each other.

  6. Oh my goodness! Me too!! INFP is the only type of guy I’m drawn to. Something about the sensitivity and kindness mixed with the love of life and spontaneity. Unfortunately, I don’t meet them very often, so I’m waiting too. Honestly, right now, I’m content to be single. Rushing into a relationship has never been my style and I would rather take my time than settle for less than what I want. Also, I think I wrote this article through you! Literally exactly how I feel on every level. Thanks for having this website. I’m checking out all your content.

  7. Tried dating an ESTP. Pretended like he was future oriented and into commitment and 2 months later he can’t handle commitment. He would talk about future plans and had me meet his family and friends. I did neither of those things despite being future oriented. Funny thing was that I never mentioned commitment and tried to do the cool go with the flow thing he wanted to do but I guess 2 months was a long time for him? Don’t want to stereotype but I would probably run for the hills if a guy says he’s an ESTP.

  8. My last two relationships were with ENFPs; I instantly clicked with them and created strong bonds with them. It is such a beautiful feeling to feel that kind of connection with someone! Both ended due to one of us being in a different time in our lives for the relationship to grow.

    I just started dating an INTJ and it is interesting! We both over think and we both don’t mind sitting in silence but are happy just being with each other. He isn’t emotional and doesn’t give me the constant communication that I usually thrive on but when he does share how he feels, it feels extra special because I know how difficult it is for him to share. We both ask each other what the other person is thinking so that we can clarify and talk things out to make sure we’re on the same page. So far, so great!

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