How to Deal with Dating Disappointments as an INFJ

By: Gabrielle Valdes, Love & Dating Coach

Why Are INFJs Chronically Disappointed While Dating?

Dating has its ups and downs. It can be emotionally taxing and physically draining, especially as an INFJ. It’s tough out there. As an INFJ, you’re a deep feeler and bring intensity to your relationships. You bring complexity in a dating world that unfortunately rewards apathy and superficiality. It makes a ton of sense why you would be chronically disappointed!

We can’t change the world overnight… or can we? Leave it to an INFJ to do just that. We experience powerful shifts when we focus on cultivating love and trust within ourselves. This can be challenging when we’ve denied our needs or shyed away from our gifts.

Everything Changes When We Own and Honor Your Gifts. 

Oftentimes our greatest gifts are tangled up in our insecurities. And for good reason. You’ve loved so deeply that it’s safer to guard our gifts instead of experiencing heartbreak or rejection. There’s something within you that is doing its job to protect you from heartache (amazing!).

At the same time, you also believe in the power of love, connection and belonging. You want a grand love. Because of this, you’re going to be challenged to stretch and grow. It’s going to be empowering and uncomfortable. 

Let’s break down some thoughts INFJs play on repeat

“It’s silly how I’m being so nit picky.” You’re decisive. You take dating (and most things in life) seriously. You value intentionality and you’re excited to build a lasting relationship. This can be challenging when typical dating culture that swipes left or says “next” before anything real takes root.

“I’m too sensitive and emotional.” You have the ability to feel deeply. You’re considerate and you take into account how others are feeling and how your actions affect those feelings. Being empathetic is one of your many strengths. Because you feel deeply, you’re able to relate to your partners experiences on another level. You’re an excellent listening ear because you genuinely want to understand and support your partner.

“It’s hard to find someone I deeply connect with.” This is because you want a profound love. You’re not going to settle. You seek a mystical union that bonds you together on every level —  spiritual, mental, emotional, physical, romantic. THAT’S ALLOWED. You are not for everyone (especially as an INFJ).

“My expectations are too high.” As an INFJ, it’s hard for you to like someone because you weigh out things that others might not even think of initially. Challenge yourself to distinguish between what is unrealistic (perfectionism) versus what qualities are attainable and valuable to you. You deeply care about the relationship and the other person. These expectations are well-intended and come from a place of passion. The intention to build is a rare quality. 

“I’m asking for too much.”  You spend a majority of your time making sure everyone’s needs get met. You want your efforts to be noticed and you want to be taken care of. It’s reasonable to ask for what you need in order to feel appreciated. It’s possible to have your emotions held and your efforts to be acknowledged by a potential partner. Know that the right person for you will honor your needs and cherish your efforts.

“I’m too intense.” Your depth, complexity and intensity is a gift. It’s rare for you to be interested in someone (on all levels). When you really connect with someone you get excited. You want depth, dimensionality, nuance, and complexity. There are people out there that will be able to match and reciprocate what you are seeking. The world needs more of what you bring into relationships, especially in a dating culture that rewards apathy.

My energy gets drained easily.” Being an INFJ helps you understand people better. You’re really in tune with your emotions and the emotions of others. This allows you to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and deeply empathize. THAT’S HUGE. You have the ability to take care of a date or partner’s emotional needs. What a gift.

It’s Vulnerable. It’s Messy. But You’re Strong and Courageous. 

People are messy. Relationships are scary. It’s vulnerable to let someone in. Cue self-doubt, overthinking and anxiety. I get it. This work isn’t easy, but relationships are the STUFF OF LIFE. It’s worth it. Trust. And you’re 100% capable.

Why is it so hard? It’s scary to let people into your complex inner world. Perhaps you’ve been burned in the past or you’ve felt trapped in one-sided relationships. 

The key to building a fulfilling relationship is to acknowledge what gifts you bring to the relationship and to co-create with someone who matches you. 

As an INFJ, value curiosity and reciprocity. You’re capable of holding space, going deep and building something lasting. And you want a partner who is equally invested. You have the ability to profoundly get to know someone on a deep level. You deserve a partner who will do the same for you. 

This becomes a lesson in receiving love and emotional intimacy instead of giving or “earning” love. My invitation to you is to lean back rather than lean in. Allow others to care and provide for you. If they don’t reciprocate, use that information to make the next best decision for you. 

Dating is a process. With every experience, you collect more life data that helps you make more empowered decisions. I know this gets exhausting, especially if you’re going on date after date. Remind yourself that this process is getting you closer to the love you want.

According to psychotherapist Ken Page, “at least 80-90% of the people you meet — including those whom there is some mutual chemistry — won’t be a match.”

It’s easy to become disillusioned when we believe that everyone is a good fit for us. You are not for everyone. Not everyone is for you.

This new perspective allows you to assume that most people won’t meet your criteria. You move on more quickly. You get closer to what you actually want.

This now becomes a question of, “how do I sustain myself knowing that dating is a process?” Also, “what connections am I willing to put energy towards? What connections am I willing to let go of to preserve my time and energy?”

You are not being selfish. You’re allowing yourself to show up FULLY SOURCED. When you show up sourced, that’s when your gifts shine through. Honoring yourself and embracing your gifts will change the way you date. 

Leaning back allows you to focus on receiving gifts instead of working hard for them. The right partner will be able to match and reciprocate what you are looking for. If you’re consistently inspired by your dates goodness, generosity, kindness and inquisitiveness then you’re on the right track. 

This is an opportunity to own your need for reciprocity, consistency and generosity. Honoring your gifts is the antidote to being chronically disappointed while dating. Now is the time to embrace your gifts so that you can show up powerfully!

Your turn. I invite you to get curious about your gifts! What gifts will you nurture this week? Let me know in the comments below.

Written By: Gabrielle Valdes

Gabrielle Valdes is a love and dating coach, helping the disappointed dater recommit to themselves to find true love. She focuses on emotional intimacy, molding romantic attractions, and being your own best partner first.

Find her on Instagram at @GabrielleValdes or on her website at gabriellevaldes.com.

2 thoughts

  1. I’ve been seeing someone for about a month now, we have had three dates. It’s hard for me as an INFJ not to want to commit right away, but that does scare most people away, and I get it! In the meantime, I spend so much time overthinking the whole thing to the point that I have completely lost all realistic perspective of how I actually feel about this person. Why can’t more people be like us?! While it’s difficult to be patient and let the process happen, I am trying to get okay with sitting with where things are, rather than rushing to get to where I want things to be. That is my intention for the next couple of weeks.

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