How to Find Love as an INFJ

By: Gabrielle Valdes, Love & Dating Coach

Cultivating Self-Love Helps You Find True Love

It’s an act of love and courage to dignify our needs. As an INFJ, you have so much to offer the world! Our dating experience changes when we start honoring our needs. We see our needs as gifts that are worthy of love, connection and belonging right now. Dating becomes a spiritual practice instead of a game of seduction. 

Here are a few practices that will bring you ease and peace while you’re navigating the dating journey:

Honor your gifts and what you bring to the relationship. Don’t settle.

As an INFJ, you bring many gifts to the relationship. Because of this, you need someone who is going to be the ideal fit for you. You want a complementary relationship. You are generous with your time and energy. You are seeking someone who is just as inquisitive, generous, warm and caring. You reasonably expect reciprocity because you value partnership. You want to BUILD something beautiful that lasts. 

Know that you’re capable of hurting others. Others have the ability to hurt you. And that’s OKAY. 

Relationships are messy. People get hurt. You’re human. You have the ability to exhibit hurtful behavior. This doesn’t make you a bad person. Trust that the other person can receive your needs, wants and limits. The right fit person will embrace, honor and love your authentic self. Challenge yourself to be vulnerable and communicate what’s going on in your internal world. 

Take care of yourself along the way.

You’re likely to exhaust yourself if you don’t create energetic boundaries. Know that your needs are just as important as your romantic interest. Create opportunities for you to recharge by yourself. This might look like an introverted night when you cook yourself dinner, draw a bath and read a book. Make time for regular self-dates. 

Create sensory rituals that GROUND you in the present moment.

Connecting to the present moment is a spiritual practice for you. Cultivate this sense of belonging within and around you. Rituals remind us of the interconnectedness of all of life. Break from your routine and give yourself time to rest, relish and restore. Fun rituals: burn sage, tarot cards, oracle cards, meditation, gratitude journal, nature walks and essential oils. Do what feels good to you.

Relax your desire to get it perfect every time.

You’re allowed to have multiple chances to get things “right”. The solution doesn’t have to be defined in one moment or one conversation. Answers come through after a series of conversations. Give yourself time and space to unfold. Emotional intimacy and connection builds over time. Give yourself grace and allow yourself to not have everything figured out.

Dating is an opportunity to flex your discernment muscle. It’s OKAY to have seasonal relationships. There is still a TON of value in 3-month long relationships. Longevity doesn’t determine the success of the relationship. Ask yourself, “were you happy?”, “did you grow?”, “did you learn something new?”, “did you care?”, “did you do your best?”, “were you supported?”, “did you make special memories together?”

Lean back and let your date step up.

You are a master at turning into other people’s needs and feelings. Challenge yourself to sit back and allow your date to ask questions about you. Dating is an opportunity for you to practice receiving love and connection instead of taking charge 100% of the time.

Communicate and ask for what you need.

Have a need for more communication? Ask your date. Want to see your date more often? Now is a good time to bring it up. Craving acknowledgement? Let your date know it feels nice to be vocally appreciated. Struggling to articulate what you actually need? Be patient with yourself and let your date know you can’t fully articulate what’s off.

Challenge yourself to practice being vulnerable.This is how we cultivate emotional intimacy within our relationships. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Let your romantic interest into your process. This is how you build trust within partnership.

Know that you’re not for everyone. 

It’s common to think that “there’s no one left” especially after being disappointed date after date. As an INFJ, know that you’re not for everyone. And you don’t have to be. It’s not always supposed to work out and that’s OKAY. It doesn’t mean that you failed or that something is wrong with you or your ex-partner.

Not everyone is going to understand you. You don’t need everyone to understand you. Don’t let dating discourage you from owning what you need in a relationship. The RIGHT person for you will also make an effort to get to know who you are. 

In order to feel emotionally safe, it’s important that your future partner is making a conscious effort to get to know who you really are. This is the ideal environment for you to flourish and feel connected. 

Shift From Disappointment To Being Empowered

Everything changes when we own and honor your gifts. You become more discerning in the dating field — you commit to only cultivating attractions that exude consistent kindness and say no to dates that are hot and cold.

And as an INFJ, you have so much to give. If you’re consistently inspired by your dates goodness, generosity, kindness and inquisitiveness then you’re on the right track. 

You deserve to have big, powerful things in your life. What is one self-love practice you will commit to in the week ahead?

Written By: Gabrielle Valdes

Gabrielle Valdes is a love and dating coach, helping the disappointed dater recommit to themselves to find true love. She focuses on emotional intimacy, molding romantic attractions, and being your own best partner first.

Find her on Instagram at @GabrielleValdes or on her website at

2 thoughts

  1. Wonderful article! It was a good reminder for me to practice self-compassion as a way to build a strong relationship foundation.
    I’d like to make the friendly suggestion that tarot cards and the like are not a healthy spiritual practice for relaxation though. I know of stories about people getting possessed through their use of those things, and I think it would be better for any and all INFJs to avoid anything that could make them spiritually disturbed. Journaling or basic prayer would be less misleading and more centering. If one is stressed, then it just seems smarter to put your trust in something (or SomeOne) stronger than paper cards.

    Thanks for your time and for hearing me out!

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