How to Reverse an INFJ Door Slam

Can a door slam from an INFJ be reversed? I get asked this question a lot, usually from people who were in a relationship with an INFJ and got door slammed. In this article, we will discuss how you may be able to improve your chances at reversing an INFJ door slam by being able to admit your faults and apologize for the hurt you caused.

If you’re new to the INFJ door slam, you can read all about it here.

Why you get door slammed

Before we can talk about how to reverse a door slam, we need to discuss why you ended up in this situation in the first place. 

INFJs are very loving and gentle people. We literally feel what other people feel. Our whole focus is to make other people’s lives better. 

When it comes to cutting someone out of our life, it’s not an easy decision. We don’t just wake up one day and think, “Hey, I have this great friend who is really good to me but I don’t like them anymore so I’m going to ghost them.”

My door slam list

In order for us to cut someone out of our life they have to have done something really bad. This made me think about some of the people that I have door slammed. Here’s a short list: 

  • Debbie, a friend I used to work with who was a narcissist control freak. She made me feel terrible every time I didn’t agree with her or do something her way. 
  • Jill, a friend who used me to get back at another one of my friends. 
  • Brad, a guy I thought about dating. I found out he already had a girlfriend, which is an immediate door slam in my book.
  • My sister, who chose drugs over her family repeatedly for the last 10 years. Before you judge me, you can read about her story here

I’m sure any INFJ will tell you they have a list of people they door slammed and their reasons for doing so are very legit. It’s not a decision that we come by lightly. In almost all of my examples, I gave these people chance after chance, some of them had years of me overlooking the hurt they had caused me, just so I could help them. 

The one exception is Brad. I don’t put up with cheating boyfriends. I have no mercy or forgiveness for that. 

How to reverse a door slam

I can honestly say I have never reversed one. You  may be tempted to call me something like “cold” or “harsh.” You’re right. I’m the nicest and most accommodating person you’ll meet until you’ve hurt me so many times that the only solution that I can see is to block you out of my life. At that point, I’m the coldest, most unfeeling person you’ll ever meet. I have no sympathy anymore. You’ve used it all up. 

The only way that I would consider reversing a door slam is if the offender came to me with a genuine apology for how they had hurt me. They would have to be willing to admit their actions, take responsibility and show me that they had changed. 

Even in this situation, I would be extremely cautious. I was hurt terribly by these people and I don’t want to make the same mistake again. Most of them are narcissists and I just don’t know if I believe that narcissists can change. Maybe, but probably not. 

So you’re saying there’s a chance? 

Sure, there could be a chance. But you’ll have to get the INFJ (who you hurt) to talk to you first, which could be a tall task. The people that I door slam I block immediately. With the way phones work now you don’t even need to change your phone number. You can simply block people to ignore them. 

I block them everywhere, phone number, social media, email, everywhere. I also live in a building with security, so there’s no showing up at my house unexpectedly. 

If you can actually get the INFJ to talk to you and you genuinely apologize for what you did, there may be a chance. But, you see, you’ll have to KNOW what you did. The more specific you can be, the better. They’ve already told you 1000 times what you did, so please don’t think that asking them again is an option. It’s not. 

Once you apologize for the hurt you’ve caused, the best thing you can do is ask them what you need to do to be back in their life. They’ll tell you. You just need to listen. Remember, this is not a negotiation. They talk, you listen. You either accept the terms they offer or you go back to being ignored. And they may need time to think about whether they want you back in their life. You’ll have to accept that too. 

Some work on your end

If you want to reverse a door slam, it’s going to take some work on your end. You need to be willing to admit what you did wrong in the first place and make amends for that mistake before an INFJ will consider letting you back into their lives. 

Have any of you ever reversed an INFJ door slam? Tell me in the comments below!

6 thoughts

  1. Of the many people I’ve door slammed all my life, I’ve only reversed one. Others have tried to “make amends” but if it involves Loyalty (lack of) my heart is shut down. The one that I did re-open was bc she was persistent; sincere even though she didn’t really understand why I shut her out. She insisted I talk to her and help her understand. She wouldn’t go quietly and I truly respected that. That she was willing to “fight” for it (unlike most who just quietly slink away hurt) made her someone that I felt I could actually “discuss” hard issues with. What a concept! I guess I thought that she was strong and had courage. She’s turned out to be a very good friend and our link is being deep Introverts.

  2. I have talked to people after the door slam (after I’ve healed), but never in the same way. I never feel the same again. When I am done, it’s permanent in anything other than a superficial polite way.

  3. Anyone who talks about reversing an INFJ doorslam is not an INFJ and has no idea what doorslam is. We are analyzing people, thinking about every possible explanation, and when we get to a point where we realize the other is fake and manipulative and a snake in disguise, we doorslam. It is logically incomprehensible and senseless to talk about a reverse and it is not “coldness” or anything.

    1. It’s also important to remember that INFJs think with our head and our hearts. There’s a lot of room there for doubt, especially when this person that you’re door slammed is someone you loved. We aren’t just logically analyzing people. We are also emotionally invested as well.

  4. I’m an INFJ and on the verge of door slamming someone I really do care about and he’s not realizing how much he’s hurting me. I like him and want to get closer to him but it feels like I’m begging to even be in his life at this point yet he’ll go off with everyone else, no questions asked so the only quote I can relate to right now is “I’m a keeper, but I won’t beg to be kept” and this has been going on for months now and today was literally the moment where my brain went to door slam mode. have door slammed people in the past and he won’t be the last and yes being truly sorry will help, but many people haven’t ever done that so I lost people along the way

Leave a Reply