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Self Quarantine Diary of an INFJ

Day 1 – March 14, 2020

Nantasket Beach, MA

Hey, I get to work from home!! This is awesome!! My work computer is so much nicer than my personal computer. So cool to have it at home. I have so much stuff to do and a great excuse to cancel it. I love being at home!! My 500 sq ft apartment is so nice and cozy! Love the beach view out my window. I never want to leave and now I don’t have to! This is awesome!

Day 2 – March 16, 2020

It’s really sad what’s going on in the world right now. So many people are being affected. What can I do? I want to help everyone!! 

*Sets to work creating 12 projects to help everyone else deal with what’s going on*

Day 10 – March 23

Hmmmm… I seem to have run out of snackies. I guess I have to go outside now. Bummer. 

Well, it may be a good thing. My legs seem to hurt from sitting too much all the time. This may turn into a problem. I need to figure out how to get some exercise. I’ll go for a walk on the beach after I run to the store. 

*At the store*

It’s so nice how polite people are now. They like RUN away from me when they see me coming. I wish that could happen without a pandemic. 

*During walk*

WOW there are a LOT of people out here! Don’t they know what social distancing means? Maybe they need a visual on what 6 feet apart looks like cause that ain’t it!!

Day 14 – March 27

I got a phone call from my mom today. We spent a couple of hours on the phone. She just found out she’s sick, though not with the coronavirus. She has had a silent massive heart attack at some point and her heart is only functioning at 32% of what it should be. Because of the virus she can’t go to the doctor like she should. They can’t run the tests they need to. She can’t get this virus because if she does… 

Sh*t just got real folks. 

It’s not an interesting vacation from life anymore. It’s a real, scary thing that has personally affected me. 

How to deal? BURY MYSELF IN WORK. Yeah, that sounds good. Avoidance is a strong coping mechanism for me. My book still isn’t done. I need to work on it some more. Oh, look… I can built a new website today. Yeah, let’s do that. Are there still snackies?

Day 437 – March 31, 2020

I spent all weekend not feeling great, but I still have to finish my book. It’s a long ways from being as done as it should be. I called my editor, who’s also an INFJ bestie. 

She said the first step in dealing with something like this is to not be able to talk about it without crying. That’s me. I’m still there. 

I realized how therapeutic it is to talk to someone you really trust when you are going through something really hard. It’s essential for us INFJs. We think that we can process things on our own. We are wrong. It’s an overwhelming task for us. We need a little help. It’s ok to need help. It doesn’t make you weak or incompetent. It just makes you human. 

Also, more snackies help. 

Day 627 – April 2, 2020

Less than 4 days til my first ever book comes out!!! 😧OMG WHY AM I WRITING A BOOK!?!?!

Coffee… I NEED coffee. So thankful for all the amazing people at Starbucks for keeping us going through this. 

Ok, I need to finish my book. This includes actual writing and not just staring at the computer screen watching the cursor blink. Ugh, why is this so hard???

I’m NEVER WRITING A BOOK AGAIN EVER!!! 

So many new project ideas running through my head. So easy to get distracted… NO! Grab a piece of paper and write them down for later! FOCUS. Is it lunch time yet? 

OMG this is never going to get done. 

Well… I do need to do the layout too. 

Day 12,048 – April 3, 2020

I did the layout wrong. It’s so wrong. Like the whole thing. Every page is wrong. You’ve got to be ******* kidding me. 

What else is going on that I can distract myself with… 

Oh look!! How cool is that?!? 

Ok, get back to the grind. You can do this. Make it happen. 

Oh look… there’s a storm coming. It’s shaking the windows and walls and everything. Not a hurricane, but it sure looks like it. 

See the gap above the window? Yeah, that’s in my living room, right next to my computer.

*Spends 12 hours worrying if the window is going to stay where it’s at or get more friendly and come a bit closer to me. Please just stay there. Please.*

My mom made me a mask to wear out in public. How is it that I feel more self conscious being more covered up? 

Not everyone in Boston is wearing them, so it feels weird. Also, it makes breathing really hard. I have asthma and anxiety, so it’s already hard. This is just another layer. 

But I’m doing it. I’m wearing it. If it plays some part in keeping my mom and dad and my niece safe, I’m doing it. Let people stare. 

Day 25,692 – April 5, 2020

Ok, this is going to work. I’m going to make my deadline. The book is DONE!!! One final check… Oh wait… why do the margins look so weird. OMG. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Reformat again. Every single page. 

All of the sudden that 500 sq ft apartment feels like a prison. The walls are closing in. It’s so small!!

Day 48,624 – April 6, 2020

My book is out!! 

*CRASH*

Day 48,625 – April 7, 2020

I don’t want to do anything today. Nope. Well, maybe some snackies and a nappy nap. Ok. Sounds good. 

Day 48,630 – April 12, 2020

It almost feels like the storm has passed, for me anyway, and for now. I’m back to feeling like a normal human who can function like I should be able to. 

The worst part of this whole thing is the impostor syndrome. I feel like I should know better and do better now. I am leading a group of 50k people (how are there that many really!!) and I should do better. 

I should know how to handle things like a pandemic. I should be ok with writing a book and not freaking out. Right? Should I be able to handle the news that my mom may have a lot shorted time on earth than what I had thought? I feel like it. 

But then I have to take a step back. Should I really be able to handle a pandemic?!? No one else seems to be able to, so why do I feel like I have to hold everything together for everyone else? It feels really selfish to step away from what everyone else is feeling and not take responsibility for it. But is it? 

If you’re taking care of people so much that it hurts you, then you aren’t being selfish for stepping back, no matter who you are or what your work is. There is always a way that you can help without sacrificing yourself. Always. 

Also, if you’re struggling like I have been, please take some time for yourself. Schedule it and do it. If you don’t your body will end up doing it for you. You don’t have to be productive every day. You don’t have to do all the things you want to. You can just sit and breathe and be. That’s enough for right now. 

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How to Survive a Quarantine as an INFJ

There’s a terrible pandemic that’s all over the world right now. We’ve all been affected by it, some of us more than others. For some, the worst part is yet to come. 

Most recently it’s shown up in the United States. The powers that be are preaching social distancing and isolation. “Stay home to save the world!” they keep telling us. The government is advising and in some cases requiring the  postponing of any large events, closing restaurants and banning anyone from gathering in groups larger than 10 people here in Boston. And those of us that have day jobs are working from home for the foreseeable future. 

Some people are required to stay in their homes at all times except for absolute necessities, like going to get groceries and medications. 

This is a very scary situation, especially if you watch the news, which I suggest you don’t. More on that later. It’s hard to wrap your mind around it because the smartest people in the world don’t have any answers for us. They are doing the best that they can, but there are still a lot of unknowns. 

It’s hard to know how to handle something like this. There is no precedent, no set of guidelines to go by, nothing really to compare it to. We’ll all just figuring it out as we go along. 

Feeling overwhelmed is normal

It’s easy to be overwhelmed right now. A lot of people are. It’s completely normal and totally ok. As INFJs, we like to feel like we have a plan and a goal. Right now there are no long-term plans because we don’t know how long this will last. That’s the hardest part for me. But it’s important to remember that this will pass. There will be life after this situation. It will come to an end and things will go back to being normal, though you might still stockpile toilet paper for a while because we all know that the trauma of not having any will not wear off soon. 

It’s also ok to be ok

We are classic introverts who love to stay home and hide in our rooms. While some of my friends and co-workers are panicking about the “please stay home” warnings, I’m over here in my room thinking that not really much has changed for me. I’m completely ok with being at home for 2 weeks and not really going out much. I have a whole list of things to do and don’t really need to go out much. 

If this is the case for you too, try not to feel guilty about it. It’s ok if you’re ok. You don’t have to panic just because everyone else is. Keep on carrying on. Work on your projects and check in on your friends every once in a while. We got this! 


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You don’t have to take care of everyone else

As INFJs our first instinct is to worry about how everyone else is doing. I’ve checked on my friends over and over again, especially the extroverted ones because they really are struggling right now. 

It’s important to check in on them and make sure they’re ok, but you don’t have to take on what they’re going through. Some people are having a really hard time managing their stress and anxiety about this situation. Because they are not used to this type of anxiety it’s spilling out of them in waves. Remember that their anxiety is not your anxiety. You do not have to take that on and own it, even though you might feel like you should. Offer your support as a good friend would, but don’t take their feelings and emotions to heart. 

It’s not your responsibility to make sure they are ok to the point where you are not ok. Remember that. You have enough to deal with on your own. 

Make time for yourself

When you’re quarantined in your home if you’re alone, you’re good to go. You have all the time to take care of yourself. Just remember to take breaks from you work and your projects and spend some time resting and recharging. 

If you have other people in your home, especially if you have little people, this will be a little bit harder. But it is still important for you to make time for yourself. You still need the same amount of time to recharge, in fact, you probably need more than usual because of all of the stress of this situation.

Here are some self-care ideas to help you recharge while at home.

Self-care ideas

1. Let yourself feel icky 

When we are in really stressful or overwhelming situations it’s easy for us to try to push out those feelings and want to feel better right away. When we do that we are just prolonging the icky feelings. The best thing you can do is to let yourself feel icky. Know that it’s ok to feel whatever you are feeling. Give yourself some time and space to really feel them. Cry if you need to. Get your anger out like you need to. Whatever you are feeling, feel it. It’s ok.

2. Make cookies

My favorite thing to do is make cookies. When I get stressed or overwhelmed I generally make cookies. Baking is a great way to distract yourself and make your family happy too. 

3. Binge-watch something 

I love watching Netflix and Hulu. There is always another documentary or series that I’m going through. It’s a nice and welcome distraction for what’s going on in the world today. 

4. Do that thing you keep putting off

You’re at home and you have a bunch of time on your hands. I know there is something that you want to do that you’ve been putting off. Maybe it’s cleaning out your closets or reorganizing your office. Maybe you’ve wanted to start writing a book. Whatever it is, use this time to be productive. 

5. Do something creative

You could also do something creative. Writing is a great way to express what you are feeling. Art is another amazing way to help you relax and express yourself. Whatever creativity you enjoy, spend some time embracing it. 

6. Reassess what you’re doing with your life

This is one of my favorite hobbies as an INFJ, especially when I feel lost and unsure of the future. Now is the perfect time to ask yourself if you’re happy. Ask yourself if you only had a couple more months on this Earth would you be doing what you did today? Make a plan to make some changes. 

7. Work on your resume

One of the biggest things we are unhappy with is our work and our jobs. Now that you have some time, if you are unhappy with your job, dust off your resume and see what needs to change. While right now may not be the best time to look for a new job, it will be here soon. You should be prepared. 

8. Think about starting a business 

Now is the perfect time to start a new business though, especially if you want to write a blog or start a podcast. There are so many people who make a full-time income from doing these things and it’s entirely possible for you too. You can read more about it here. 

9. Don’t watch the news

One of the worst things you can do in a situation like this is constantly watch the news. This is especially true if you have anxiety. Remember that they make money by selling commercial space, not by reporting the news. What they report is a sensational version of what’s going on. I highly suggest that you find a reputable source of information and check it once a day for updates. 

If you are in the United States you can follow these sources: 

10. Spend some time with the people you love

This is the perfect time to reach out to your friends and family to check in on them and reconnect with them. While you may not be able to go and see them, you can call them or message them to see how they are. 

I highly recommend that you video chat with them. I know it sounds scary and awkward, but it makes a huge difference connecting with people when you can see them, even if it’s through a computer or phone screen.

11. Take advantage of all the freebees going on right now

There are so many people offering free chats and courses right now. You need to take advantage of as many of them as you can handle. You could learn so much from some AMAZING people!! Here’s just a few of them that I have seen: 

There are so many things you can do with your new-found free time. I hope you stay safe and well and that you use this time as a way to learn and grow and get something positive out of it!

As always, I’m here if you need me. You can find me on Instagram @infjwoman. 

As INFJs, we struggle to find our purpose in life, that ONE THING that we were put on this world to do. I struggled for years, but when I found it, I knew I had to help other people find theirs!

That’s why I created this FREE Ebook to help you find your purpose too. I know it’s possible.

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My Friends Leave Me Because I’m Fake: INFJ Struggles to Make Real Friends

I have a problem. All of my friends leave me. Not always right away, but at some point, they all decide to leave. It’s like there’s an expiration date on all of my friendships. 

Does this happen to you too or is it just me? 

It’s hard enough for me to make friends because I’m different from most people. I’m quiet and shy when you first meet me and awkward too, usually. Plus I don’t really like people and I certainly don’t like small talk. There’s so much of that involved in new people too. I just tend to avoid it. 

Then, when I do go through this whole process of meeting someone new, eventually the whole thing blows up anyway and they leave. So why bother? I’d rather deal with being lonely than go through the process only to be disappointed every time. 

I never understood why this happened. I looked at it from every angle I could imagine, but couldn’t come up with an answer. 

Then something else happened and the answer smacked me right in the face.

Let me tell you a story… 

I was looking for an apartment last summer. Renting in Boston is unbelievable expensive. Decent apartments for reasonable prices are really hard to find. Somehow I found one that was oceanfront and gorgeous! I was willing to do anything to get it. 

The landlord was a woman in her late 50s who I could tell was looking for a daughter. She said things like, “If you get sick I’ll bring you some soup!” and “We should go to dinner!” I knew she wanted more than a tenant, but I overlooked it and signed the lease anyway. 

Almost right away she started coming into my apartment without telling me, moving my things around, opening my mail and so many other inappropriate things. Instead of me speaking up and saying, “it really makes me uncomfortable when you come into my apartment when I’m not there” I didn’t. I didn’t want to make her mad or do anything to rock the boat, so I just kept quiet. 

But all too soon it got to the point where I couldn’t ignore it anymore and I decided to move. She turned on me very quickly, as I just knew she would. She threatened to call her lawyer and said I owed her the full amount of the rent for the remaining lease, close to $8,000. 

I told her, “Cool. Call your lawyer. I’ll call mine and we’ll figure this thing out.” Then I went to work searching through the Massachusetts rental laws and found about 10 things she had done that had violated and voided the lease ling before I had decided to leave. 

So I pointed them all out to her in a very cold and matter of fact way, which was completely different from the way I had spoken to her before. 

Her response was something like this, “You are NOT the person I thought you were! Why are you treating me this way and being so nasty? What’s wrong with you?”

I took this as a personal attack on me and my personality, of course. My feelings were deeply hurt, even though I didn’t care at all about her feelings for me. She had done what so many other people, bosses & friends, have done to me in the past: tell me that there was something wrong with my personality. That I was not ok and that I needed to change.

The epiphany

I was so hurt I went and recalled the story to one of my good friends. She’s very straightforward in her communication, but sometimes it’s necessary in order for me to get the point. She said that she didn’t know why I was so surprised because this always happens to me, not just in this situation, but with all of my friends as well. 

I agreed that it does happen a lot and said I have no idea why. 

She had all the answers. She said, “The problem is you tell people what they want to hear. You act like everything is ok and never tell them there’s a problem. But then, when you’ve finally had enough, your real personality comes out and they are dased and confused because you are TRULY NOT the person they thought you were.” 

I couldn’t believe my ears. The answer had been right in front of me the whole time and somehow I missed it. 

Here’s the problem

Let’s break it down a little bit more, because this is a whole thing. 

We just KNOW what people need

As INFJs we have this AMAZING ability to intuitively know what others want and need. It’s one of my favorite things about being INFJ, but if we aren’t careful it can get us into trouble quickly. 

Let me give you an example. Let’s say you meet someone new and you really like them. You admire their work and you enjoy their personality. You really want to get to know them more. So you set to work trying to figure out ways you can connect with them. You figure out what they like and don’t like. You find any angle you can in order to get to know them. 

And then you give them everything they want. They want to eat at a Thai restaurant? COOL! You’re game… even though you hate Thai food. They want to go to a trendy new coffee shop? AWESOME!! You’re all about it… even though you’d much rather have Starbucks. They want to see that new superhero movie that everyone just loves? YEAH! You stand in line with them for hours to get tickets… even though you hate those movies and people and being at the movies with people. 

The list goes on and on. It’s one thing after another and before you know it you’ve created a whole new personality for this new friend. You don’t even recognize yourself when you’re around them. 

The spiral

You think about telling them the truth, but at this point, you know they wouldn’t understand. You’re SO FAR from who you actually are that they wouldn’t want to be friends with you. You know that you have nothing in common with them, but you want to have a friend and you begin to think this is the only way that you can actually have friends. All of your friends are like this, so that must be true. 

Then… you start to take it personally. You start to think that no one will ever like your real personality because no one you know actually knows the real you and why would they want to? You don’t fit in with them and you know that you wouldn’t if they knew the real you. It’s like a cycle that justs keeps repeating itself. 

The only solution you can come up with is that it’s your personality. It must be broken and messed up because you’re not like everyone else. 

I felt this way for years. I kept up the cycle and kept blaming myself and it just got worse and worse. 

The answer

So then we go back to my friend who says, “It’s YOU. YOU’RE THE PROBLEM. You’re doing this to yourself!”

At first, I was really hurt when she said that. Why was she being so mean?!? It’s not me! It’s my crappy personality and I can’t change that!

Then I started thinking about it some more. It’s not that my personality is crappy or wrong or broken. It’s not that at all. There is NOTHING wrong with my personality. The problem is me. It’s how I act around my friends. It’s the fact that I want to be friends with them SO BADLY that I unintentionally manipulate them. I lead them to believe that I’m someone that I’m not because I think that’s the only way they’ll like me. I’ve believed that there is something wrong with my personality for so long that I convinced myself that I had to be someone else in order for anyone to like me. 

I bet you do the same thing. 

Whether you take it to the same extreme as I did is another question. I hope not. But if you do, there is hope!! I found the answer, but I have to warn you – it’s gonna hurt and it’s not easy. 

Are you ready? 

Stop being fake

It stings…. Doesn’t it? As INFJs we pride ourselves on how real and authentic we are. We love being genuine and deep. We think of ourselves in a “real” light. 

And we despise fake people. I know that’s a strong word, but it’s accurate for me. I hate to admit that I’m fake because I don’t like people who are that way. 

And there’s another epiphany… Do you know how you can’t stand people who have the problems that you are trying to overcome? Well… maybe that’s why we don’t like fake people so much. We can relate to them too well. 

How do we stop being fake? 

This is the real question. It’s not really easy at all. It takes work. The first step is certainly having the awareness of what you are doing and actually admitting you do it. That’s hard. Don’t discount the effort you have to put into doing that. It’s a lot. 

The next step is hard too. It’s changing your behavior. It’s recognizing what you are doing in real-time and making a different decision. Instead of saying, “Yeah, I’m cool with Thai food.” You have to say, “No, actually I don’t like Thai food at all. Can we go somewhere else?” 

I’m not going to lie to you: not all of your friends are going to be ok with your newfound ability to ask for what you want and need. In fact, a lot of them might not be ok at all. They could have the same reaction as my former landlord. They might say things like, “You’re not the person I thought you were!” And it’s true. You’re not. And it’s also ok that you’re not. Those people will walk away from you and that’s hard, but it’s ok. They are not your people. 

Your real and true friends will want you to speak up and will welcome your opinion. They will be perfectly fine with your new desire to tell them how you really feel. 

If you find that a lot of people leave you, it’s ok. It’s hard, but it’s really ok. You are just making room in your life for new friends who will value your personality from the start. 

You’re not broken

Always remember: you’re not broken. You’re not messed up or damaged or an extra. Your personality was not faulty from the start. You just got a little bit lost along the way in figuring out who you are. But it’s ok. You’re on the right track now and there’s plenty of time to work it out now. 

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How to Overcome Impostor Syndrome as an INFJ

As INFJs we struggle a lot with knowing who we are. We have a tendency to be a different version of ourselves around different people, catering to what we think they want. A lot of times this leads us to feeling lost and confused when we try to figure out who we really are. When you don’t know who you are and what you are capable of, it’s easy to feel like an impostor. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking you can’t do the things that you want to do and feeling like a fraud when you try. 

This is what we call imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome is feeling like you are not enough, feeling like you don’t know enough to share with others. It’s also feeling like you need to know more or be more, more educated, more experienced and have more credentials before you can do the thing that you want to do. 

When I thought about starting my own business this feeling of impostor syndrome hit me hard. Who am I to start a business?? I have no IDEA how to do that or even where to start!!  

It’s easy to say, “No, I can’t do that. It’s too hard.” Or, “I should go back to school and learn more about this subject.” 

But the problem with thinking that way is you won’t get over it by avoiding it or going back to school. Because 2 or 4 or even 6 years later, with all of that education, you will still feel the same way. 

And this could be in the context of a lot of different things, not just starting your own business but writing or anything honestly where you just feel like you’re not enough. Any place where you want to do something new where you just feel like you’re not enough you don’t know enough to be able to do it

How much do you really need to know

How much do you really need to know before it’s enough to share with others? What makes someone an expert? Do you really need to be an expert? Is that what your customers will want? 

I still feel imposter syndrome and I spent 10 years in college. Wouldn’t you think 10 years in college would be enough? But for some reason we still feel like we need to know more before we can share it with other people.

What do they really want? 

Think about the people you want to touch with your blog? Do they really want to hear from somebody who has a doctorate degree who uses really big words that they really can’t relate to and they may not even understand? Or do they want to hear from somebody that they can relate to really well somebody that’s a lot like them that has the same problems and the same issues that they have?

I know when I’m reading a blog or when I’m looking for advice I want to read something from somebody that I can relate to from somebody who’s at the same education level that I’m at. I want to feel seen and heard and understood and that’s the most important thing for me. it doesn’t really matter to me what credentials they have. it only matters to me if they relate to me and if I can relate to them.

Pluralistic ignorance

Pluralistic ignorance is the belief that people know more than you do. They act like they do, so you believe them. I believe them too. They must be the authority because they said that they were. But it’s not always true. In fact, it’s not true most of the time.

We don’t see the behind the scenes. We also don’t see how hard things are for other people so we assume that it’s not hard for them, that whatever they are doing just comes naturally. 

People have a way of selling that front as well. They want you to think it’s easy to make a bunch of money fast with no effort, and that their “natural” makeup look was effortless, when it really took an hour to get there. Just because we don’t see the struggle, doesn’t mean that it isn’t there.

I’m really honest

I know that part of the reason that I lack confidence at times is because I know what I know, but I know what I don’t know as well. If I don’t know something, my first inclination is to say “I don’t know,” rather than acting like I do. I just fall into the assumption that other people know more than I do. But the fact is that a lot of people don’t.

I assume that because it looks like other people know more than I do that they really do. I know of my own failures and insecurities and because of those I feel that I’m not enough. I think that I shouldn’t do the thing I want to do because I may not be perfect at it or because someone else has already done it so much better.

The reality is that is so not true! No one is you. No one can do things the same way that you can or say things the same way that you can. 

Just because someone else has done something doesn’t mean you can’t do the same thing too. It won’t be the same, because you are different. There is plenty of room in this world for millions of people to write books and draw pictures and have an instagram about traveling.

Whatever it is that you want to do, you are enough. You have enough information to share it, you have enough experience to be able to benefit others, you have a special gift that you were born with to share with the world. It is enough.

How to get past impostor syndrome

Awareness that you’re not alone

The first step is to realize that everyone deals with this feeling, even people like Oprah and Beyonce. Just having that knowledge has helped me so very much. Remember that when you are feeling less than or when you are struggling to push forward. I’m right there with you!

Know your why

There is a reason that you set out to do this thing that you want to do. It’s an important reason and for INFJs it usually effects others. We usually have a goal of helping others in some way. Remember that why when the going gets tough. It helps to push through all of the doubts and hard times. 

Make it a habit

Whatever it is that you want to do, make it a habit. Make it something that you do everyday or every week. When I was starting my blog I made a goal to write a post every week. And I was scared and it was messy, but I did it and it got better as I went along. The more you do it the more confidence you will gain.

Connect with people who are doing the same thing

I know this one is hard for us INFJs, but there are lots of ways to connect that aren’t in person. 

Let me take a moment to put in a shameless plug here… I’m in the process of creating a community for INFJs and I want you to be a part of it. This will be an AMAZING place of us to connect and get advice and encouragement from people just like us who understand us. You can sign up to be notified when it launches (very soon) here.

Facebook is a great place to connect with people. You can find groups of people who are interested in just about anything. It’s still a bit intimidating to comment and message people, but it’s so much easier for me to do that than to talk to them in person. 

By connecting with people you can share your wins and losses and get advice from them too. You will feel so much less alone knowing that there are people out there struggling with the same things that you are. 

Remember that you are enough

Most of all I hope you remember that you are enough. You have something special to share with the world that the world needs! You were made this way for a reason. You are not an extra. You are not broken or messed up in any way. 

Your experience and knowledge is valuable. You don’t need more credentials to relate to people and for them to learn from you. You just need to show up. You just need to be real and authentic. You just need to connect with them. That’s it.

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INFJ All or Nothing Syndrome

Perfectionism is a dangerous thing. It’s something that I see in myself every single day in a variety of ways. The most dangerous of these ways is something I call all or nothing syndrome. This syndrome leads me to believe that I must do everything or nothing. I must be all in or all out. I have to go all the way or none of the way. 

It’s a common INFJ trait as well. We spend a lot of time in our heads thinking about how things should be. Then we put together a plan to match up what is and what we feel should be happening in our lives. We have this amazing ability to dream big and make those things happen. We strive for perfectionism in all areas of our lives, including ourselves. 

I didn’t see a problem with this for the longest time. I thought it was just the way that I was made and it was ok. But my beliefs are changing. I see areas in my life where my all or nothing mentality is a major problem. It’s keeping me from doing some things that I really, really want to do. 

It’s holding me back

This all or nothing syndrome is a limiting belief that holds me back from so much. When you feel like you can’t do something unless you are good at it how do you learn to do anything new? It’s incredibly difficult. It limits the things that I can do to only things that I’m super passionate about or already know how to do. 

Anything new is a challenge. Anything that I can’t do all at once and make work right now is also a challenge. If it takes time, it feels impossible. 

The other problem is that I only have so much time and space in my life to bee all in on something. I just don’t have the capacity to be all in on all of the things I want to accomplish. But do I really need to be all in? Would halfway in be good enough to accomplish what I want to do? 

The question is: how do we move past this all or nothing syndrome and into a healthier mindset? 

Find your why

When you want to make a big change in your life it’s important to know why you want to make that change. Remind yourself of that why every time things get hard. That will keep you on the right path and help you make the decision you ultimately want to make, instead of the decision you want to make right now, in the moment of weakness.

A little goes a long way

Start small. I know, it feels like a lot. I have an example though. When I was moving I moved all by myself and I’m not in the best shape. There were so many stairs and it was SO HOT! I still had a whole car full of stuff, but I was DONE. So I stopped. 

But in the days and weeks that followed every time I went from my car into my apartment I took something with me. It felt so silly at the time, but I kept going every day. Then one day everything was in the house. I was super surprised at how easy it was to do it that way and how fast it got done. It didn’t feel like this big daunting thing. It was easy and it worked. 

Even though I proved to myself that it works well to do things a little at a time I still struggle. But it is effective and I encourage you to give it a try. 

Find balance

Balance feels like a dirty word to me. It’s such a difficult concept to grasp, which is why I left it for last. I look at it like a muscle that needs to be used to keep it’s strength though. It’s not some final destination. It’s something you practice and practice and the more you do it the better at it you get. 

All or nothing syndrome is something that a lot of INFJs deal with, but it doesn’t have to be a part of our personalities. It’s something that we can work on and overcome. You’re not stuck with it for the rest of your life. With a little work and a lot of self-love and compassion, it can get a lot better. 

The INFJ User Guide Book

The INFJ User Guide is all about INFJs. It’s all the things I have spent years Googling and thinking through to figure out my personality. It’s every epiphany from “I’m an INFJ? Yes!!” to “This is how to handle communication problems.” And everything in between.

It’s a must read for every INFJ.

The book will be released April 6, 2020, but you can pre-order it now!

I LOVE to think of things to use as resolutions, things I want to implement to change my life. I have a whole list of them every year.

But how do you keep them? How do you keep going after January has past and the feeling is over?

I’ve put together this ebook that is all about forming lasting habits from those resolutions and making them stick.

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Why Do INFJs Attract Narcissistic Relationships?

I have been a magnet for narcissists my whole life. I have attracted those people who are toxic to my mental, emotional and ultimately physical health. The worst part it I blamed myself for their behavior. I always thought that it was me. It wasn’t until last year that I really came to understand what a narcissist is and what they do to people, especially INFJs. 

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How to Overcome INFJ Perfectionism

INFJs are prone to perfectionism. We are always looking at problems and situations to find the best solution. We see all sides of things and enjoy the challenge of making things better. It’s easy for us to fall into the trap of thinking things have to be perfect before we do them or show them to the world. But it’s a dangerous trap to fall into.

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Life Changing Ways to Manage Your Energy as an INFJ

INFJs are natural counselors and natural givers. We are always more concerned about the people around us and the people we love than we are about ourselves. We are that friend that will drop everything to help our friends when they call, even when it comes at our own expense. 

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