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How INFJs Fall In Love

Do INFJs fall in love easily?

INFJs fall in love easily sometimes and sometimes they don’t. INFJs have high expectations for their romantic partner. We want more than just surface-level attraction. Sure, we want someone who we find attractive, but they have to be compatible with our personality, morals and values in order for us to make time for them in our lives. We want someone we can connect with on a deep and meaningful level. We rely on our intuition to help us know that we’ve found the right person. 

But every once in a while we run across someone who is everything and we know all at once. This doesn’t happen often and we don’t tend to jump in right away. We just know right away that they are the one. We’ll still take our sweet time is getting to know them and make sure that they are everything we think, but everything is just easier with them from the start. 

There are a few things that make it more difficult for INFJs to fall in love. 

Have guard up

INFJs spend our lives being generally misunderstood by nearly everyone we know. We are also a lot more sensitive than we like to admit. Because of this, we’ve been hurt over and over in our lives. When meeting someone new, we put our guard up for protection. 

It takes a while to lower our guard. We want to move through the process slowly and surely, to get to know our partner in our own time and way. 

Want to be understood

INFJs spend so much of our lives feeling misunderstood. We know that very few people will ever really understand us, but we want a partner who tries to understand us as much as possible. It’s important for our partner to make an effort and appreciate us for our complexity. 

It’s all about chemistry… or what we call intuition

INFJs look for a feeling more than anything. Most people call it chemistry, though we call it intuition. We have a very well honed intuition. We know things before we can explain how we know them. This applies to a lot of things in our lives, but certainly people. When we first meet someone we know a lot about them, including if we like them or not. Most people are just people, but every once in a while we meet someone really special that we just click with. We know that person will be important to us instantly.

Too picky?

INFJs take finding a partner very seriously. We’re very organized and typically have a list of characteristics that we want in our ideal partner. We’re not interested in dating just to date and we won’t settle for someone who is less than what we want just to have a partner. Some people call us “too picky,” however, our choosiness leads us to find partners that are well suited to us. When we find our ideal partner we rarely take them for granted.  


What do INFJs find attractive?

INFJs look for several qualities in a romantic partner: understanding, intelligence, passion and compatibility, to name a few. But we also don’t mess around. We want someone who is committed and who’s looking for true love. We’re not interested in dating just to date. 

Understanding

INFJs find anyone who tries to understand them interesting. We like people that we connect with and who make a genuine effort to understand our thought process and point of view. We’re used to people who just don’t bother, so if someone does make an effort, it’s noticed by an INFJ. It’s rare. 

Intelligence

INFJs have a high level of intelligence. We like to immerse ourselves in our passions, so we tend to know a lot about a lot of different things. Our favorite pass time is learning new things and we love to share those things with anyone who’s interested. We are attracted to people who have the same thirst for learning and the same passion for exploring the unknown.

Passion

INFJs are very passionate about our hobbies and interests. We are attracted to people who are passionate as well. That passion doesn’t have to be about the same thing that we are passionate about, it just has to be as strong as our own. Oftentimes the passion is just as attractive as the activity that is being pursued. 

Compatibility and attraction

While surface-level attraction is important to INFJs, it’s not the only thing we consider in a partner. First and foremost we want compatibility. We’re a bit different than most people. We want to discuss the meaning of life and the dark side of the moon, so if you’re content to talk about the Kardashians and The Bachelor, it ain’t gonna work. 

Want true love, not just a partner

Most INFJs are really serious about dating. We’re not here just to date. In our minds, dating just to date is a complete waste of time and really kinda like torture. I mean, talking to people, going out to noisy clubs or restaurants, small talk… I can’t think of anything worse! If we’re gonna put forth that much effort and fight through all of those things that make us uncomfortable, you’d better be serious.


Who are INFJs most attracted to?

ENFP

ENFPs are a great match for INFJs. Their function stack is opposite of ours, but we share some of the same preferences, N F. They will understand our intuition and our tendency to feel things very deeply. Their other preferences for extroversion and spontaneity are a nice contrast to our quiet organization.

ENFPs are bright and bubbly people, but still intuitive enough to know how to connect with INFJs. They’ll break down the warriors we put up and be understanding and sensitive of our quirks.

INFP

As an INFJ, I’m very partial to INFPs. They are the exact opposite of our functions. However, we share three preferences, I N F, so we have a lot of common ground to work off of.

Here’s my thought process: INFPs are introverted, so no forced social gatherings on the regular. They’re intuitive, so bring on all the deep conversations about life and meaning and depth. They also read between the lines and just know things, like we do. Also, they have all the feels too.

Then there’s that last letter that makes all the difference. They are the spontaneity to our planning and the mess to our organization. They are also the rainbows and lightness to our dark and heavy. They can lift us up to see the good in things and people, but also sit with us in the peaceful calm, just being alone… together.

Learn more about INFJ dating here: The Ideal Partner Type for an INFJ


What personality type is the ideal match for INFJ? 

The ENFP personality type is the ideal match for an INFJ. That’s what most people will tell you anyways. They are different enough from INFJs to make like interesting, but also similar enough that we have a lot in common with them. They are extroverted and spontaneous which contrasts our quiet organization rather well.

The fact of the matter, though, is that everyone is different. While some INFJs will enjoy an extrovert in their lives, others will not. Some of us INFJs like the peace and quiet and don’t want to be pulled out of our shell. It’s completely up to you to decide what type is right for you.


How do you tell if an INFJ is attracted to you?

It might be kinda difficult to tell if an INFJ is attracted to you, but there are a few things that you can look for.

They’ll make up excuses to be around you

INFJs aren’t people people. We’d much rather spend our free time alone, so if we’re around a lot, that’s a good indication that we like you, at least on some level. If we really like you we’ll actually make up excuses to be around you. If the INFJ in your office generally brings her own coffee to work, but now makes coffee in the break room and just happens to be in there when you’re in there… well, she probably likes you.

They’ll talk to you

As introverts, INFJs typically aren’t super chatty. We like to keep a low profile. But if we like someone we’re more likely to talk to them. We might even start conversations with them, but we’d have to really like them to go this far.

They’ll spend time with you

INFJs value our time more than anything. We plan to have free time to do as we please. It’s important for us to only spend time around people that we really like and value. So, if an INFJ is spending time with you, you can bet they like you more than a little bit.


How do you tell if an INFJ is interested in you? 

They’ll spend time with you

Our time is important to us, so if we put you on our calendar we are interested. It we accept a second date, we’re really interested. INFJs generally know pretty early if we are interested in you or not. We won’t waste your time or our time on someone we don’t like. That’s for sure.

They’ll go out of their way to help you

INFJs are constantly thinking about other people. It’s that extroverted feeling function of ours. But it can also be a good indication of our feelings. If we’re going out of our way to make you cookies or help you with that report that you’ve been putting off, know that we have feelings for you. We might even stay late to help you with something. Maybe.

They’ll talk to you

As introverts, INFJs are pretty shy. We like to sit back and watch the conversation, especially when we’re around people we don’t know very well. We’re most comfortable as the wall flowers. When we like someone we’ll make an effort to talk to them.

They’ll be direct with you

Once we’ve gotten to know you a bit, an INFJ will tell you directly if they like you or not. We are very direct in our communication style and want you to know that we are still around because we appreciate you.


How do you get an INFJ to fall for you?

The best way to get an INFJ to fall for you is to try to understand them. INFJs spend the majority of our lives feeling misunderstood and alone. Most people just don’t make an effort to understand us. If you’re able to do this and communicate to us that you enjoy doing it, them we’re way more likely to fall for you.


What is it like to be in a relationship with an INFJ? 

Want to get to know our partners

INFJs are very intuitive people. We want to get to know our partners on the deepest level possible. We want to understand them as much as we can, from the day they were born right up until this very moment.

Visualize and anticipate what your partner needs

Because we know so much about our partners we can show up for them in the most amazing ways. We’ll know what they want long before they know they want it. We’re tuned into their feelings as well. We know when they’re having a bad day and the best things to do to help them in whatever way they prefer.

Calm and Intense

INFJs can be very intense about the people we love. We want a magical experience of intimacy and we know how to get it. At the same time, we’re calm and quiet. We enjoy our free time and will most likely still spend a lot of time alone. We’re most happy with someone that we can be alone together with, someone who is content to sit in the same room and read or write right along with us.


What are INFJs like in relationships?

INFJs make wonderful life partners. We are thoughtful and kind to our partners, anticipating their needs before they do. Our mission is to please them the best way we know how. We are interested in every detail about our partner and catalog that information for use in our daily routine. You can count on us to remember you birthday, how you order your coffee, that restaurant you said you wanted to try and that brand of cookies you said were to die for.

We are quiet, yet intense at the same time. INFJs don’t take relationships lightly. If we’re in it, it’s because we’re serious about you and want you to show up the same way for us.

INFJs may be hesitant to share our fears, needs and feelings. Our extroverted feeling function makes it natural for us to focus on everyone else’s needs and feelings and really difficult for us to stop and think about ourselves. It’s a process that takes time, so be patient. We’ll get there.


Are INFJs good in bed? 

INFJs are amazing in bed. We have a function called extroverted feeling that makes us focus on the needs of others, especially those who are closest to us. We anticipate their needs before they do. We also have very active imaginations that we love to explore things with. When we really love someone we can let our imagination and our need to please run wild.


What is the end of a relationship like for an INFJ? 

The end of a relationship is really determined by what caused the end. INFJs are very concerned about other people, due to our extroverted feeling. We try and try and try to make things work. But there is a limit to the tries. Once we have reached that limit, and we feel like there is nothing else we can do, we walk away.

Depending on the person and the level of drama we predict, we may walk away without saying too much or maybe leaving a letter. We’re not ones to make a big scene or a grand exit. We’ll go quietly. We’ll leave your life so completely that you’ll wonder if we even existed at all.


How do INFJs recover from a breakup?

Recovering from a breakup can be really difficult for INFJs. We pour our heart and soul into our relationships. We spend so much time trying to make our partner’s life better and easier. We invest so much of ourselves into communicating with them and understanding them. We suffer very deeply when our heart is broken, even if we saw it coming or knew the relationship wouldn’t last.

It can take a while to work through all of the feelings and to even start to see ourselves without that person in our life. But once we do start to see that, we shut the door for good. No need to go back there and feel all that hurt again.

Learn more about INFJ dating here: 9 Ways to Recover From a Difficult Breakup

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One Sided Love | INFJ Love Story

“He was never mine, but losing him broke my heart.” 

Last week I had a dream about someone that I haven’t thought about in a while. Thinking about him used to be a daily routine for me. I’d wonder what he was doing at the moment, what he was eating for lunch, what he was watching on Netflix, what he thought about in his free time. I thought about him a lot. It was my favorite thing to do. 

I hate talking about him. Mostly because of the embarrassment. My friends and family don’t know. I’ve only spoken about him to a couple of people. 

You see, I didn’t actually know him. I only met him one time, for just a moment. So, for me to say that I loved him is really embarrassing. But I did, for the better part of 6 years. 

I knew everything that I could know about him without actually knowing him. I could put the CIA to shame with my investigative skills. I lived within a few miles of him, knew his friends, shopped at the same grocery store… ok this is starting to sound like I’m a stalker. I guess I kinda am. I didn’t mean for it to be creepy though. 

Actually, I had hoped that someday I would casually run into him accidentally, that really wasn’t accidental at all. I imagined that a mutual friend would introduce us, knowing how perfect we were for each other. 

Instead, he met someone else and they got married. 



I’d never felt so much pain in my life. I had no idea that emotional pain could cause that kind of physical pain. I realized how people can die of a broken heart. It really does cause immense physical pain. I thought that I would never be the same again. It was everything I could do to make it through just one day. But somehow I did. Day after day passed and the pain stayed. 

For a while, I hung onto hope. But after a few months had passed I realized that I should move on. I didn’t know how. How was I going to stop thinking about him? I thought about him constantly. I couldn’t fathom NOT thinking about him. I couldn’t even imagine it. 

I sat with the idea for a while, imagining a life without him. At first, it hurt. But slowly I started to like the idea. I don’t remember when exactly I made the decision, but I finally decided to stop, to let him go completely. It took a conscious effort to let him go. It was slow at first, and then all of the sudden. 

One day I realized that I hadn’t thought about him. I felt a tinge of pain because I was losing him, but also hope that I was capable of going through the day without him. Eventually, I realized it had been weeks and even months since I’d thought about him. And the pain was gone, which is the best feeling. 

INFJ Love Story

I’ve read a lot about INFJs and love. We seem to have a lot of trouble finding the right person. We don’t get attached to people like others do. We’re not here for the superficial things. We don’t like small talk, swiping apps or singles dating events. We want something that is a lot deeper. We want deep conversations about the meaning of life and the dark side of the moon. That’s not easy to come by. 

And finding someone who you like to look at and talk to, who is single, available, the sexual orientation you want and the gender you want… well, it’s exhausting. 

What’s the answer? 

People ask me questions about relationships all the time. I want to laugh when I see them. Not that I mind people asking me questions, it’s just the I’m the WORST person in the world to answer relationship questions. I can tell you what not to do. That’s about it. 

I’ve asked all of my friends how they met their spouses. All of them have these cute little stories about how their whole world changed. One met her husband in a diner she was working at. One grew up with her husband and they always knew they would end up together. One got divorced and moved into an apartment with roommates, one of whom ended up being her husband. 

The stories seem so simple, yet so complicated. So close, yet so far. One of these days I hope I get to have a story like this of my own. For now, I have to deal with the waiting and the not knowing. It’s a whole different kind of pain. 

Here’s the point

The point is I want you to remember that there’s always hope, even when it seems so far away and so impossible. It’s so simple. You just have to reach out there and grab it. You might have to put a little bit of effort into it, but when you do, the pain will go away. Maybe not all at once. Maybe it will be slow at first, but it will come. 

Maybe you’ll have to sit with the pain and the uncertainty for a while. Maybe it will feel weird or embarrassing. Maybe you’ll have to admit to yourself that you did something that you knew would lead to pain, but you did it anyway. Hopefully, you can forgive yourself for this, as I have. 

This life may not be what you thought it was going to be, but it can still be amazing and wonderful. It’s never too late. You’re never too old. There’s always hope. 


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How to Start a Blog as an INFJ

INFJs are natural-born counselors with a knack for helping others. Our extroverted feeling function helps us to tap into others’ needs in a way that most people can’t. It’s our purpose to share this amazing gift with the world. And what better way than through a blog. 

I spoke to INFJ writing coach Lauren Sapala on my podcast earlier this year. She said that INFJs have a creative side this is often left unexplored. All too often we find ourselves in jobs like accounting or selling insurance and we feel unfulfilled in our lives. It’s common, but it doesn’t have to be your normal. 

“I do encourage INFJs to try writing in different forms and see what pulls you,” Lauren said. “Just try different things… and see what nourishes you.”



Write about what makes you happy. 

It doesn’t have to change the world. You don’t even have to be good at writing. You just have to share what you know with others. 

Your purpose comes from your pain.

When I spoke to Evan Carmichael on my show he said that finding your purpose is really simple. “Your purpose comes from your pain. It’s not that difficult. It doesn’t require years of meditation or journaling. You just think about what is the most painful moment for you as a human, not physical pain, but emotional pain… You’ve grown from that. You’ve come out of that… There’s lots of people who currently are who you used to be and your purpose is to go help them.”



It’s so simple when you think about it like that. 

You were made for a reason. You were made as a quirky, feeling, introvert for a very special reason. There is someone out there who needs to hear your story. They’re just waiting for you to tell it.    

When I first started this blog I was scared to death.

I’m terrible at writing… as you can see. I can’t spell and I don’t know a whole lot about proper sentence structure. I wanted what I wrote to be nice and professional. I wanted it to look and sound good. I had that fear that we all call perfectionism. 

There came a point though where I decided that it didn’t matter what I wrote or how it sounded or if it was even spelled right. I just wanted to share what I knew with the world. 

I had been through the worst time of my life. Every year for about 5 years I thought was the worst year and then the next one would be worse for me. It was like 2020 for me was 2015 and then 2016 and then 2017. I quit asking what else could go wrong. I didn’t want to know. 

I had the worst depression that just kept spiraling down. There was a point in 2015 that I seriously contemplated ending it all. I couldn’t see how anything could get any better and I couldn’t go on like that. I knew that something had to change. So I started looking for answers. I discovered that I had this amazing unique personality and that was the reason that it was so hard for others to understand and relate to me. Everything started to make sense. 

Over the course of those 5 years, with all of the craziness that happened (me getting fired a couple of times and losing everything that I owned) I found myself again. I realized what I really needed to be happy. 

I wanted to share that with others out there. I knew that I couldn’t be the only INFJ who was feeling lost and hopeless. I also knew that I had some answers that I could share. If I could help just one person it would be worth it. 

Turns out there was more than one person who needed help.

The first time I got a message like this I was dumbfounded. I thought the person had mistakenly sent it to me. I really couldn’t believe that I had made such a huge difference in their lives just by sharing my story. 

I’m still blown away when people send me these messages. I love to read them and am so thankful that I am able to help. It’s all I want to be. It makes my whole life feel meaningful. 

You can help too. 

I’m telling you all of this because I know that you have a story to share as well. There is something that you can do to help others. Writing a blog is a fantastic way to get started! 

Here’s how to get started. 

I put together this video to show you exactly what you need to do to set up your blog and get started writing. You don’t need a fancy website. In fact, you don’t need a website at all to start with. There are plenty of easy and free options that you can use. 

Don’t let your fear of not being enough or knowing enough hold you back from taking action. 

It’s a powerful thing that fear. It will show up as perfectionism, planning mode, feeling like “who am I to do this?” Don’t listen to it. Push through the fear and share your story. Believe me when I say it will change your life as much as it will help others. 

My life is 100% different that it was the day before I started my blog. I went from feeling like my job had no meaning to knowing that what I do is valuable and useful. I wake up every day excited to go to work. I could have never said that before! 

Take action today.

Write a blog post that’s messy and imperfect and honest and share it with the world. You’ll be glad you did!

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INFJ Essential Reading List

As INFJs we are constantly looking to learn and grow, especially about ourselves and our personalities. We’re always striving to be better than what we were before, to be the best version of ourselves.

This past year has been such an amazing growth and learning experience for me. I’ve really focused on some of the things that I’ve been sure have been holding me back. Things like a lack of self-confidence, not being focused and not feeling motivated. I wanted to get crystal clear on my life’s purpose and my goals, both short term and long term.

I want to share with you some of the books that have helped me the most.


Built to Serve by Evan Carmichael

Find your life’s purpose

As INFJs we struggle to find our purpose in life. It’s just a part of our personality and how we process the world around us. But a fellow INFJ, Evan Carmichael, has all the answers for us. His book Built To Serve has changed my life and I’m sure it will change yours too. He says, “Your purpose comes from your pain.” He includes multiple practice exercises to help you work through the process of finding your true purpose in life and how you can really help people.


The INFJ Revolution by Lauren Sapala

Find your true self

What does it really mean to be an INFJ? Lauren Sapala has it all figured out. As an INFJ she’s been there and done that. She walks us through a deep understanding of what it means to be INFJ, how to find your purpose and how to reclaim your power in this crazy world.


Quiet by Susan Cain

Find your power as an introvert

Susan Cain single-handedly changed the way the world looks at introverts. She started a revolution with this amazing book that explains everything about our introverted personality. She gives us the permission to be different than what is generally accepted.


The 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins

Change your habits in 5 seconds

5, 4, 3, 2, 1… change. That’s all it takes. 5 seconds. Mel Robbins breaks down this life-changing hack to change your habits in this amazing book. It’s changed my life in so many ways. Any time that I’m struggling with doing something new, even when I want to do it, I feel stuck and not able to help myself. But I think back to this rule and start counting backwards. Basically, you have 5 seconds to take action on doing the thing you want to do before your brain will default to what you’ve always done. If you want to change you have to take action in those 5 seconds. I guarantee you it will change your life too.


Do It Scared by Ruth Soukup

Life-changing ways to fight through the fear

We all have fear. Every single one of us. Ruth Soukup tells us that there are different kinds of fear and when you understand what kind of fear you have then you can combat it a lot better. She also provides us with this life-changing mantra: Do it Scared. Whatever it is that you’re thinking about doing, when you’re scared to take action just do it scared. Take action even though you’re scared. This is my favorite saying of all time. I use it everyday.


May Cause Miracles by Gabrielle Bernstein

Be open to seeing things differently

Do you need a miracle in your life? Start here. This book is a 40 day guide to facing your fears and changing the way you look at the world. You’ll be surprised the miracles show up in your life when you let go of fear and choose love instead.


Don’t Keep Your Day Job by Cathy Heller

Do what you want to do with your life

I never wanted to start my own business until I started listening to Cathy Heller’s podcast, that’s also called Don’t Keep Your Day Job. She’s an amazing inspiration and a treasure trove of motivation and self-confidence. She made me see that I am capable of being my own boss and it’s not nearly as scary as I thought it would be. In fact, it’s an exciting adventure! It’s more about freedom than anything else. 

If you’re interested in starting your own business, or if you just hate your job and want to do something different, you should check out this book. It’s everything you need from motivation to practical steps to take to get started. 


Bonus…

The INFJ User Guide

Get your’s here!

Find your purpose now with this FREE guide!

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My Friends Leave Me Because I’m Fake: INFJ Struggles to Make Real Friends

I have a problem. All of my friends leave me. Not always right away, but at some point, they all decide to leave. It’s like there’s an expiration date on all of my friendships. 

Does this happen to you too or is it just me? 

It’s hard enough for me to make friends because I’m different from most people. I’m quiet and shy when you first meet me and awkward too, usually. Plus I don’t really like people and I certainly don’t like small talk. There’s so much of that involved in new people too. I just tend to avoid it. 

Then, when I do go through this whole process of meeting someone new, eventually the whole thing blows up anyway and they leave. So why bother? I’d rather deal with being lonely than go through the process only to be disappointed every time. 

I never understood why this happened. I looked at it from every angle I could imagine, but couldn’t come up with an answer. 

Then something else happened and the answer smacked me right in the face.

Let me tell you a story… 

I was looking for an apartment last summer. Renting in Boston is unbelievable expensive. Decent apartments for reasonable prices are really hard to find. Somehow I found one that was oceanfront and gorgeous! I was willing to do anything to get it. 

The landlord was a woman in her late 50s who I could tell was looking for a daughter. She said things like, “If you get sick I’ll bring you some soup!” and “We should go to dinner!” I knew she wanted more than a tenant, but I overlooked it and signed the lease anyway. 

Almost right away she started coming into my apartment without telling me, moving my things around, opening my mail and so many other inappropriate things. Instead of me speaking up and saying, “it really makes me uncomfortable when you come into my apartment when I’m not there” I didn’t. I didn’t want to make her mad or do anything to rock the boat, so I just kept quiet. 

But all too soon it got to the point where I couldn’t ignore it anymore and I decided to move. She turned on me very quickly, as I just knew she would. She threatened to call her lawyer and said I owed her the full amount of the rent for the remaining lease, close to $8,000. 

I told her, “Cool. Call your lawyer. I’ll call mine and we’ll figure this thing out.” Then I went to work searching through the Massachusetts rental laws and found about 10 things she had done that had violated and voided the lease ling before I had decided to leave. 

So I pointed them all out to her in a very cold and matter of fact way, which was completely different from the way I had spoken to her before. 

Her response was something like this, “You are NOT the person I thought you were! Why are you treating me this way and being so nasty? What’s wrong with you?”

I took this as a personal attack on me and my personality, of course. My feelings were deeply hurt, even though I didn’t care at all about her feelings for me. She had done what so many other people, bosses & friends, have done to me in the past: tell me that there was something wrong with my personality. That I was not ok and that I needed to change.

The epiphany

I was so hurt I went and recalled the story to one of my good friends. She’s very straightforward in her communication, but sometimes it’s necessary in order for me to get the point. She said that she didn’t know why I was so surprised because this always happens to me, not just in this situation, but with all of my friends as well. 

I agreed that it does happen a lot and said I have no idea why. 

She had all the answers. She said, “The problem is you tell people what they want to hear. You act like everything is ok and never tell them there’s a problem. But then, when you’ve finally had enough, your real personality comes out and they are dased and confused because you are TRULY NOT the person they thought you were.” 

I couldn’t believe my ears. The answer had been right in front of me the whole time and somehow I missed it. 

Here’s the problem

Let’s break it down a little bit more, because this is a whole thing. 

We just KNOW what people need

As INFJs we have this AMAZING ability to intuitively know what others want and need. It’s one of my favorite things about being INFJ, but if we aren’t careful it can get us into trouble quickly. 

Let me give you an example. Let’s say you meet someone new and you really like them. You admire their work and you enjoy their personality. You really want to get to know them more. So you set to work trying to figure out ways you can connect with them. You figure out what they like and don’t like. You find any angle you can in order to get to know them. 

And then you give them everything they want. They want to eat at a Thai restaurant? COOL! You’re game… even though you hate Thai food. They want to go to a trendy new coffee shop? AWESOME!! You’re all about it… even though you’d much rather have Starbucks. They want to see that new superhero movie that everyone just loves? YEAH! You stand in line with them for hours to get tickets… even though you hate those movies and people and being at the movies with people. 

The list goes on and on. It’s one thing after another and before you know it you’ve created a whole new personality for this new friend. You don’t even recognize yourself when you’re around them. 

The spiral

You think about telling them the truth, but at this point, you know they wouldn’t understand. You’re SO FAR from who you actually are that they wouldn’t want to be friends with you. You know that you have nothing in common with them, but you want to have a friend and you begin to think this is the only way that you can actually have friends. All of your friends are like this, so that must be true. 

Then… you start to take it personally. You start to think that no one will ever like your real personality because no one you know actually knows the real you and why would they want to? You don’t fit in with them and you know that you wouldn’t if they knew the real you. It’s like a cycle that justs keeps repeating itself. 

The only solution you can come up with is that it’s your personality. It must be broken and messed up because you’re not like everyone else. 

I felt this way for years. I kept up the cycle and kept blaming myself and it just got worse and worse. 

The answer

So then we go back to my friend who says, “It’s YOU. YOU’RE THE PROBLEM. You’re doing this to yourself!”

At first, I was really hurt when she said that. Why was she being so mean?!? It’s not me! It’s my crappy personality and I can’t change that!

Then I started thinking about it some more. It’s not that my personality is crappy or wrong or broken. It’s not that at all. There is NOTHING wrong with my personality. The problem is me. It’s how I act around my friends. It’s the fact that I want to be friends with them SO BADLY that I unintentionally manipulate them. I lead them to believe that I’m someone that I’m not because I think that’s the only way they’ll like me. I’ve believed that there is something wrong with my personality for so long that I convinced myself that I had to be someone else in order for anyone to like me. 

I bet you do the same thing. 

Whether you take it to the same extreme as I did is another question. I hope not. But if you do, there is hope!! I found the answer, but I have to warn you – it’s gonna hurt and it’s not easy. 

Are you ready? 

Stop being fake

It stings…. Doesn’t it? As INFJs we pride ourselves on how real and authentic we are. We love being genuine and deep. We think of ourselves in a “real” light. 

And we despise fake people. I know that’s a strong word, but it’s accurate for me. I hate to admit that I’m fake because I don’t like people who are that way. 

And there’s another epiphany… Do you know how you can’t stand people who have the problems that you are trying to overcome? Well… maybe that’s why we don’t like fake people so much. We can relate to them too well. 

How do we stop being fake? 

This is the real question. It’s not really easy at all. It takes work. The first step is certainly having the awareness of what you are doing and actually admitting you do it. That’s hard. Don’t discount the effort you have to put into doing that. It’s a lot. 

The next step is hard too. It’s changing your behavior. It’s recognizing what you are doing in real-time and making a different decision. Instead of saying, “Yeah, I’m cool with Thai food.” You have to say, “No, actually I don’t like Thai food at all. Can we go somewhere else?” 

I’m not going to lie to you: not all of your friends are going to be ok with your newfound ability to ask for what you want and need. In fact, a lot of them might not be ok at all. They could have the same reaction as my former landlord. They might say things like, “You’re not the person I thought you were!” And it’s true. You’re not. And it’s also ok that you’re not. Those people will walk away from you and that’s hard, but it’s ok. They are not your people. 

Your real and true friends will want you to speak up and will welcome your opinion. They will be perfectly fine with your new desire to tell them how you really feel. 

If you find that a lot of people leave you, it’s ok. It’s hard, but it’s really ok. You are just making room in your life for new friends who will value your personality from the start. 

You’re not broken

Always remember: you’re not broken. You’re not messed up or damaged or an extra. Your personality was not faulty from the start. You just got a little bit lost along the way in figuring out who you are. But it’s ok. You’re on the right track now and there’s plenty of time to work it out now. 

Come check out INFJ Community for FREE for 3 months!

When you preorder my book, The INFJ User Guide, you get 3 months free in the community and a whole host of other bonuses, including 3 masterclasses:

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An INFJ That’s All Grown Up, But Not Really

My birthday was last month. I turned 34. I can’t believe that number. I really want to cry. I thought it would be different somehow. I keep wondering when I’m going to feel like an adult though. Like for real. At what age will I feel like I have my life together? When does that happen?

I have a friend who has 5 kids and a husband. She manages so much. I can barely manage to get myself out of bed in the morning and get to work. She’s way more adultier than I am and she’s younger than me. *cringe*

I can’t help but wonder if I missed something somewhere. Was there a class in college that I opted out of? Was there something my mom forgot to tell me? Was it one of those trendy documentaries that everyone was watching and I opted not to because everyone else did? 

OK, so I’m being super honest here, because that’s one of my goals this year. I want to show you the real me. I’m still trying to figure out who that is, but maybe we can figure it out together! So, here’s a few of my biggest struggles. Let me know if you feel them too! 

I want to get married, but I don’t want to date

The struggle is so real. I hate dating. The whole concept just makes my skin crawl. All I can see is rejection and a waste of time. What a painful and miserable thing to torture yourself with! 

Surely there is a better way to figure out your future life partner than endlessly swiping through a bunch of terrible pictures and pathetic one line introductions. No one ever responds to my profiles. Maybe this is why I hate it so much. Here’s what it says:

Looking for the love of my life, not a one night stand. I hate hiking and hanging out with friends. I’m more of a documentary and pizza in my blanket cocoon on the couch kinda person. I like books, podcasts and deep conversations about the meaning of life. I’m also super sarcastic, so no sissies, please. Must be passionate about something and have their own things going on. I need lots of alone time and don’t want someone who texts me 100 times a day. 

I don’t know why people find that intimidating. I think I sound absolutely lovely. *shrugs*

Wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely for the rest of my life

I was told that I’m too comfortable being alone. Now I’m worried about it cause I think it’s true. I have this little life full of routines that I enjoy and I don’t want anyone to mess it up. 

But I don’t want to be alone forever. I agree. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I am both. Sometimes I enjoy being alone. Sometimes I want to cry because of how painful it is. It’s hard being strong all the time. *sigh*

I can’t keep track of how much money I have…. Details…

OMG. My bank makes so much money off of me. I can’t seem to figure it all out. (I don’t need helpful advice. I just want to complain). I should be smarter than this. I really should be. 

But then I want to be more gentle with myself. The bills do get paid. Nothing has been turned off or repossessed. I haven’t been evicted… yet. 

Confession: my credit score is incredibly low. Like people see it and make comments like, “Oh, I didn’t know it could be a negative number. Huh.” I don’t know why I feel like that’s somehow tied to my worth as a person, but I seem to believe there’s a direct relation. It’s hard to break that habit. 

If you have this belief too, let me reassure you: you are worthy of love if you are broke. You are worthy of love if you have filed bankruptcy or been fired or are homeless. I have been and done all of these things. I’m still here and still worthy of love. It’s a whole new thing that I’m working on, but the more I tell myself these things the more I believe them.

Being forgetful

I’ve noticed recently that I can’t remember anything. I don’t know if it’s age or stress or alzheimer’s, but it’s a thing now. I wandered around Target for an hour the other day trying to remember what I was looking for. It’s bad. I even forgot where I was going on my way to Target. That’s something my mom does all the time!

It’s like look for my phone while I’m holding it bad. And think about something I need to remember, open the notes app on my phone and instantly forgetting the thing I was gonna write down. *Facepalm*

Feeling like my life is a mess

I constantly feel like a mess. Every time I think I have things figured out and now I’m gonna be all adulty and responsible, something else happens. It’s like my adultness is built on a house of cards and and one thing as simple as a cold can bring it down in a flash. 

I don’t like going to the doctor by myself

I had a massive asthma attack last week and I called my mom because that seemed like the thing to do. She told me to go to the doctor, which was super unhelpful advice.

So, I had to schedule a doctor’s appointment ALL BY MYSELF. It was way too hard. It involved calling 5 different people (because they HAD TO HAVE a referral) and trying to remember my schedule and telling them my problem. It felt like way too much. 

Now I have to go by myself too. It just doesn’t feel right. They ask me my problem and I want to look at my mom so she can tell them but she’s not there because she lives 1,500 miles away and I’m 34 and supposed to be able to handle this all by myself. It’s really too much. 

I’m more interested in Netflix than being productive on the weekends

I always have big plans for the weekend. Two whole days to do whatever I want!! That’s usually 16 – 20 solid hours of Grey’s Anatomy. 

I get back to work on Monday and people ask me what I did. I don’t like that question. They just ask so they can tell me what they did. They think it’s fun to go hiking in Vermont or sailing in Rhode Island. I’ll stick to my blanket cocoon, thank you. 

Knowing exactly how to fix everyone else’s problems, but not my own

OMG. It’s a whole thing. I have to imagine that my problem is my friend’s problem and they are asking me for advice. So I come up with some KILLER advice and then I do the same thing that my real friends do when I give them killer advice: completely ignore it. 

I wish I had some answers for you all here. I don’t. Like I said, I don’t know how to solve my own problems. But I want to be more real and honest. The only way that we can feel more understood is by putting it all out there and hearing other people say “OMG ME TOO!!!” So send me the ME TOO’s!! Tell me I’m not the only one who feels like a fake adult, spends too much money and watches Grey’s Anatomy all weekend!

As Glennon Doyle says, “We can do hard things. We can’t do easy things, but we can do hard things.

You’re not doing it wrong. It’s supposed to be hard. But we can do hard things.”

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Top 10 Misconceptions about INFJs

Top 10 Misconceptions about INFJs

INFJs are the rarest MBTI personality type, making up only 1-3% of the population. Because we are so rare there are many misconceptions about us. There is a lot of information out there written by people who aren’t INFJ and they just base it off their theory of how we are. So much of it is incorrect though. It’s best to get the info straight from the source, a real INFJ. 

1. We’re shy

I’ve always thought of myself as shy. It was true for most of my life. But recently my Mom pointed out to me that I’m actually outgoing at times. I like to talk to people in the store and at work. I’m always warm and friendly with them and try to make them feel comfortable. 

While INFJs can be shy, we can also be very warm and friendly. We may not like to be around people all of the time, but we do like people. We like that connection and helping people even if it’s only offering them a smile and a kind word. 

2. We’re sweet and innocent 

INFJs generally look sweet and innocent, but that’s not always what’s going on inside. Once you get to know us we are described as strangely feisty. We love to laugh and joke and throw people off of their game. 

We also love a good debate. We like to flex our brain muscles from time to time and see how fast we can back someone into a corner with our logic and quick thinking abilities. 

3. We think we are better than everyone else

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been accused of being elitist or arrogant. What’s interesting to me is that it usually comes from people that I don’t pay that much attention to. 

INFJs are hyper-focused on things that interest us and tend to not notice anything else. Our focus can give people the impression that we think we are better than them when we are just not paying any attention to them at all.  

4. We are happy all the time

I read that INFJs are happy all the time in a blog somewhere and I cringed. This is not the case for me at all. In fact, I’m sad and melancholy more than I am happy. I woke up happy this morning and felt weird about it. 

INFJs notice a lot that goes on in everyday life and in the world. We spend a lot of time thinking about life’s problems and how to make them better. It’s hard to be happy when you see so much pain and sadness and know that there is no real way to fix a large majority of it. 

5. We think we are psychic

INFJ intuition is an amazing superpower, but it’s not the same as being psychic. In fact, when I tell people about my intuition I always start with “I don’t think that I’m psychic.” I really don’t think that. 

I do get a sense of deja vu sometimes that’s hard to ignore, but it’s certainly not psychic. 

6. We want to be different from others

It really makes me laugh when people say that I WANT to be different from most people. It’s so not true! I would love to be more mainstream, less complicated. But that’s not the life I was given. So instead of trying to be something I’m not, I embrace what I am. 

7. We’re cold

I’ve been accused of being cold on many occasions. But what people don’t see is what’s going on inside my head and heart. Most of the time there’s a lot going on inside that I just don’t want to share with anyone else. 

INFJs keep our emotions to ourselves. They are very personal for us and we don’t want to share them with just anyone. 

8. We’re indecisive 

It’s true that we can be indecisive at times. We see all sides of things because we use both logic and emotion. But this doesn’t mean we can’t make decisions when we need to. We spend so much time thinking about what we want that we usually have it figured out by the time we need to know. We’re planners who like to be prepared well in advance. 

9. We’re always people pleasers

People-pleasing is a natural habit of INFJs. Because we are always aware of the people around us and their emotions we want them to be happy and comfortable. Some INFJs take people-pleasing to an extreme though. A more healthy and knowledgeable INFJ will know where the line is and how to stay away from it. 

10. We’re very emotional all the time

When I first learned that I was INFJ I was devastated. I thought that having a feeling personality made you have outward feelings all of the time and that was the worst possible thing for me. But the more I thought about it I realized that I am an INFJ and I don’t have outward emotions most of the time, so that theory must not be true. You can have a feeling personality and not be overly emotional. It is possible. 

It’s important to remember that while all INFJs are similar we are also all different as well. We all grew up in different places with different families and different influences. All of those things have an impact on who we are as people. 

INFJs are always going to be misunderstood because we are so rare and so different from other types. Most people don’t take the time to get to know us and appreciate our differences. But that’s why it’s important for us to get to know ourselves and appreciate our differences for what they are. 

The INFJ User Guide Book

The INFJ User Guide is all about INFJs. It’s all the things I have spent years Googling and thinking through to figure out my personality. It’s every epiphany from “I’m an INFJ? Yes!!” to “This is how to handle communication problems.” And everything in between.

It’s a must read for every INFJ.

The book will be released April 6, 2020, but you can pre-order it now!

Learn more

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INFJ Strengths & Weaknesses

INFJs are complicated and amazing people. We are so different from others that sometimes we get wrapped up in focusing on those differences instead of focusing on ourselves and seeing the advantages that we have. 

With the good, there is also some not so good. Every personality type has areas that they aren’t as strong in and things that they need to work on. We are no different. Let’s take a look at our strengths and weaknesses. 

INFJ Strengths 

Insightful

INFJs have an amazing intuition that is active all of the time. It operates without us even realizing what is happening. We analyze things in the background of our minds and come to conclusions about people and things very quickly. We can see right through people very soon after meeting them because of this. Manipulation and lies don’t work on us most of the time.

We see how things are connected and can sort through problems very quickly as well. We use our insight so see exactly what’s going on and find creative and efficient ways to fix problems.

Creative

Our creative imagination helps us to solve problems of all kinds. We can see systems as work and analyze them for efficiency and effectiveness.

We can also solve human problems like communication and misunderstandings. We are great at learning the communication style of those around us and being able to understand what they are saying and what they aren’t saying as well. Then we can interpret it for others to resolve issues.



Helpful

Most INFJs are very skilled at understanding the needs of those around them and striving to do whatever they can to help them. We generally have years of practice in this area. We can also use our intuition to pick up on their needs.

Understanding

INFJs have an amazing ability to understand all different kinds of personality types. We are natural empaths who understand things that we have not even experienced ourselves. We can feel the feelings of those close to us. This unique ability helps us to relate to them and literally feel their pain.  

Inspiring

Because we relate so well to others we can easily determine what they need and how to motivate them. We are amazing at connecting with people in this way especially if we are speaking about something that we enjoy and are passionate about. It shines through in our words.

Determined

When an INFJ sets their mind to do something they will pursue it with a passion and determination that will astonish even their closest friends. We are not afraid to dream big dreams and put in the work to accomplish them. INFJs are also not afraid to stand up for what they believe in. This doesn’t always sit well with those around us, but we rarely let that hold us back.

INFJ Weaknesses

Sensitive

Whether we like to admit it or not, INFJs are extremely sensitive. We take words straight to heart, especially criticism. We are quick to shut down in the face of conflict just to process what we are thinking and feeling. When we are pushed too far our reaction can be very uncharacteristic of our normal personality. Our responses can be sharp and brutal as a result of an attack on our values.

Private

INFJs are extremely private. We have very strong and deep emotions that we do not like to share with others. We protect these things fiercely in order to protect ourselves. It takes us a while to open up to new people. It’s a long an complicated process getting to know new people.

Perfectionistic

We like things to be perfect. We spend a lot of time in our heads imagining the perfect future down to the smallest detail. When reality doesn’t match up to that vision it can be hard for us to deal with.

We also get stuck in planning mode. We don’t want to start a project until we have it perfectly planned out and know exactly how it will turn out. This tendency leaves us with lots of plans and not nearly as many actions.



Need lots of alone time

As empaths, INFJs soak up the feelings and emotions of those around them. We take on all of these things as well as our own. The way that we process all of this is by spending time alone. We chose to spend a lot of time alone.

All of this alone time can lead to broken friendships, leaving the INFJ completely alone, if they are not careful.

At the end of the day… 

Although we can’t necessarily choose our personality I know that I am happy to be INFJ. I love that we can see these strengths and weaknesses and figure out how to make the most out of all of them. We may not have chosen to be INFJ, but we can certainly embrace and celebrate it! 

How INFJs Fall In Love

Do INFJs fall in love easily? INFJs fall in love easily sometimes and sometimes they don’t. INFJs have high expectations for their romantic partner. We want more than just surface-level attraction. Sure, we want someone who we find attractive, but they have to be compatible with our personality, morals and values in order for us […]

One Sided Love | INFJ Love Story

“He was never mine, but losing him broke my heart.”  Last week I had a dream about someone that I haven’t thought about in a while. Thinking about him used to be a daily routine for me. I’d wonder what he was doing at the moment, what he was eating for lunch, what he was […]

INFJ Burnout

Being an INFJ can be really difficult at times. I basically have only 2 modes: go and burnout. Go is a great mode. It’s where I am most of the time. I get so much done and feel like I can do anything. Everyone is impressed by how much I can accomplish in a day. […]

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5 Ways for INFJs to Overcome Resistance to Change

Many INFJs want to make changes in their lives but feel stuck. They get stuck in planning mode and struggle with making the changes that they dream about and long for. How do you make that jump and finally start living up to that version of you that you see in your head? How do you overcome that resistance that you feel to the change? 

Continue reading 5 Ways for INFJs to Overcome Resistance to Change
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Why Do INFJs Attract Narcissistic Relationships?

I have been a magnet for narcissists my whole life. I have attracted those people who are toxic to my mental, emotional and ultimately physical health. The worst part it I blamed myself for their behavior. I always thought that it was me. It wasn’t until last year that I really came to understand what a narcissist is and what they do to people, especially INFJs. 

Continue reading Why Do INFJs Attract Narcissistic Relationships?