Posted on 9 Comments

One Sided Love | INFJ Love Story

“He was never mine, but losing him broke my heart.” 

Last week I had a dream about someone that I haven’t thought about in a while. Thinking about him used to be a daily routine for me. I’d wonder what he was doing at the moment, what he was eating for lunch, what he was watching on Netflix, what he thought about in his free time. I thought about him a lot. It was my favorite thing to do. 

I hate talking about him. Mostly because of the embarrassment. My friends and family don’t know. I’ve only spoken about him to a couple of people. 

You see, I didn’t actually know him. I only met him one time, for just a moment. So, for me to say that I loved him is really embarrassing. But I did, for the better part of 6 years. 

I knew everything that I could know about him without actually knowing him. I could put the CIA to shame with my investigative skills. I lived within a few miles of him, knew his friends, shopped at the same grocery store… ok this is starting to sound like I’m a stalker. I guess I kinda am. I didn’t mean for it to be creepy though. 

Actually, I had hoped that someday I would casually run into him accidentally, that really wasn’t accidental at all. I imagined that a mutual friend would introduce us, knowing how perfect we were for each other. 

Instead, he met someone else and they got married. 

I’d never felt so much pain in my life. I had no idea that emotional pain could cause that kind of physical pain. I realized how people can die of a broken heart. It really does cause immense physical pain. I thought that I would never be the same again. It was everything I could do to make it through just one day. But somehow I did. Day after day passed and the pain stayed. 

For a while, I hung onto hope. But after a few months had passed I realized that I should move on. I didn’t know how. How was I going to stop thinking about him? I thought about him constantly. I couldn’t fathom NOT thinking about him. I couldn’t even imagine it. 

I sat with the idea for a while, imagining a life without him. At first, it hurt. But slowly I started to like the idea. I don’t remember when exactly I made the decision, but I finally decided to stop, to let him go completely. It took a conscious effort to let him go. It was slow at first, and then all of the sudden. 

One day I realized that I hadn’t thought about him. I felt a tinge of pain because I was losing him, but also hope that I was capable of going through the day without him. Eventually, I realized it had been weeks and even months since I’d thought about him. And the pain was gone, which is the best feeling. 

INFJ Love Story

I’ve read a lot about INFJs and love. We seem to have a lot of trouble finding the right person. We don’t get attached to people like others do. We’re not here for the superficial things. We don’t like small talk, swiping apps or singles dating events. We want something that is a lot deeper. We want deep conversations about the meaning of life and the dark side of the moon. That’s not easy to come by. 

And finding someone who you like to look at and talk to, who is single, available, the sexual orientation you want and the gender you want… well, it’s exhausting. 

What’s the answer? 

People ask me questions about relationships all the time. I want to laugh when I see them. Not that I mind people asking me questions, it’s just the I’m the WORST person in the world to answer relationship questions. I can tell you what not to do. That’s about it. 

I’ve asked all of my friends how they met their spouses. All of them have these cute little stories about how their whole world changed. One met her husband in a diner she was working at. One grew up with her husband and they always knew they would end up together. One got divorced and moved into an apartment with roommates, one of whom ended up being her husband. 

The stories seem so simple, yet so complicated. So close, yet so far. One of these days I hope I get to have a story like this of my own. For now, I have to deal with the waiting and the not knowing. It’s a whole different kind of pain. 

Here’s the point

The point is I want you to remember that there’s always hope, even when it seems so far away and so impossible. It’s so simple. You just have to reach out there and grab it. You might have to put a little bit of effort into it, but when you do, the pain will go away. Maybe not all at once. Maybe it will be slow at first, but it will come. 

Maybe you’ll have to sit with the pain and the uncertainty for a while. Maybe it will feel weird or embarrassing. Maybe you’ll have to admit to yourself that you did something that you knew would lead to pain, but you did it anyway. Hopefully, you can forgive yourself for this, as I have. 

This life may not be what you thought it was going to be, but it can still be amazing and wonderful. It’s never too late. You’re never too old. There’s always hope. 

Sign up for my weekly newsletter!

Posted on Leave a comment

9 Ways to Recover From a Difficult Breakup

By: Sarah Woehler, Life & Relationship Coach

Whether we’re the ones doing the breaking up or on the other side of it, no breakup is ever easy. But some are definitely worse than others, especially when we fall hard (as INFJs do, once we decide to), putting our all into the relationship, showing sides of us we seldom show to anyone, to eventually wrapping ourselves in the glow of love and lust and our partner becoming “our person”, in some ways our everything, only for it to eventually — be it a year or a decade — come to a dismal end.

Our heart breaks even if there were aspects about the relationship that were challenging, even impossible at times, because we love so deeply, so intensely that our every being was consumed in the relationship, and now it’s over so what do we do? As trite as it sounds, time heals all wounds, but here are some other tried-and-true ways to recover from that difficult breakup, whether you’re an INFJ or not.  

1. Accept Where You Are

You didn’t fall in love overnight. It took time to develop these intense feelings, so of course they’re not going to just go away because the relationship didn’t work out. Because of this, allow yourself to really feel the sadness, anger, hurt, and remorse. Cry it out, let yourself reflect on both the good and the bad times you had with your ex. Really feel the hurt so that you can move on when the time is right — for you.

2. Take To Your Journal

As an INFJ, I’ve kept a journal for as long as I can remember, but it wasn’t until I left my marriage that I started journaling consistently. It was my salve as I was going through my divorce, struggling with sleeping at night, wondering if my ex was okay, feeling the hurt for both of us. My journal was a place to hold my feelings, to get the pain out of my head and my heart so that I didn’t feel the internal pressure to cradle them with my every being. My journal was like a box that I could drop my emotions into, at least for the time being. Even if it’s just a sentence or two, write what you’re thinking or feeling. Burn the page afterward if it helps to minimize the self-consciousness of writing. But give yourself the gift of expressing the pain and the hurt so it doesn’t weigh you down so much.

3. Talk It Out

Journaling is a great way to work through emotions, to get them out of your head and onto paper, but when going through an especially tough breakup you’re going to need someone to talk to, another human to help process your pain. A good friend is always helpful, but should you need guidance from an expert I’m a huge advocate for finding a therapist or relationship coach to help you through this tough time. 

4. Get Some Exercise

The first few days of a difficult breakup it may be hard to get out from under that blanket on the couch, and that’s totally okay. But by day four, force yourself to get some movement. If going to the gym isn’t your thing, then go for a long walk, listen to some music or an inspiring podcast, and take note of how you feel afterward. Endorphins are powerful especially when you haven’t felt them in a while. 

5. Don’t Speak To Your Ex

At least for a while. I’m all about being friends with my exes, but it’s all too easy to fall back into old, comfortable patterns especially if there’s no buffer in between breaking up and “just talking.” And be real about it. If they’re texting you late at night or saying “I’m thinking of you”, tempting you to want to respond with a yellow heart emoji, instead take a long pause and think about what’s going on in your brain. Remember that your brain is basically trying to function without drugs (the drug of your former relationship) right now. It’s detoxing from your breakup. So any temptation of an easy hit will make it want to go right back where it was. If you understand intellectually what’s happening it’ll help you maintain distance, at least for a few weeks as you detox from your relationship. 

6. Let Yourself Feel the Pain

Since we’re talking about the brain detoxing from your relationship, know that it’s perfectly normal to hurt, for your heart to really ache from what you’re going through. Now is the time to have some compassion for smokers trying to quit, or alcoholics trying to give up alcohol, because you’re going through it now too. This is actually not that different from a neurological perspective. You may not be physically detoxing, but emotionally you are, and so it’s perfectly human to be hurting in all the ways you’re hurting right now. You may be more tired than usual or you may not be sleeping as well at night because you’re anxious. You may have no desire to put on mascara or get out of your PJs. Acknowledge it, accept it, but also do little things to comfort yourself: Make yourself a hot cup of tea, start a new book, let yourself watch TV a little bit more than usual.  

7. Stay Busy But in a Mindful Way

After the first few days of your breakup and you’ve binge-watched the entire last season of Schitts Creek, you’ve journaled, really felt your sadness, maintained distance from your ex, write out a to-do list, things you have time to really focus on now that you’re single. Maybe it’s an art exhibit you didn’t want to drag your ex to, or maybe you’ve been wanting to take a hike, or maybe you always fantasized about going to a restaurant solo. Now is the time to do these things, to start a hobby that you’ve been thinking about for months.

8. There’s a Reason For Everything

You may not see it or feel it now, but know that there’s beauty in the struggle. Anyone who’s ever gone through a hard time has grown from challenges. So look at this time as not a failure but instead an opportunity for becoming better as a human being. And also know that some things, actually many things in life, have a natural end just as they do a beginning. 

9. Resist The Urge To Start Dating Right Away

After a week or two you’ll probably start feeling better, maybe even a little bored, a bit listless and restless now that you’ve got so much time on your hands. But try not to sign up for dating apps right away. Remember: processing a breakup, especially after a significant relationship, takes more time than people realize. And also, boredom isn’t a reason to start dating again. Try filling your cup first, doing “you” for a bit, and acknowledge that when the boredom hits it’s time to reach out to a friend and make some plans. Depending on the length of your relationship, I recommend at least a month (perhaps longer if your relationship was over a year), until dipping your toes back into the dating pool. And once you’re truly ready, you’ll be so glad you gave yourself time to recover and really grow from your relationship — and your breakup.

Breakups have the potential to break us down or ultimately to make us better, teaching us things about us that we didn’t know before, forcing us to look deep inside at how we could do better or find better ultimately. These tips will help you work through the pain and the grief and hopefully come out better in the end. 

Written by: Sarah Woehler

Sarah Woehler is a life and relationship coach, helping people transform their relationships, careers & lives — from the inside out. She’s also a writer and host of the podcast, @interrelatepodcast.

Find her on Instagram at @SarahWoehler, Twitter at @sarahwoehler10, or her website at

If you have any problems with self-doubt or self-confidence you need this class. Come join us and see how we can change your life! I’ll see you there!

Join me for this FREE masterclass!

Sign up right here.

Posted on 31 Comments

An INFJ That’s All Grown Up, But Not Really

My birthday was last month. I turned 34. I can’t believe that number. I really want to cry. I thought it would be different somehow. I keep wondering when I’m going to feel like an adult though. Like for real. At what age will I feel like I have my life together? When does that happen?

I have a friend who has 5 kids and a husband. She manages so much. I can barely manage to get myself out of bed in the morning and get to work. She’s way more adultier than I am and she’s younger than me. *cringe*

I can’t help but wonder if I missed something somewhere. Was there a class in college that I opted out of? Was there something my mom forgot to tell me? Was it one of those trendy documentaries that everyone was watching and I opted not to because everyone else did? 

OK, so I’m being super honest here, because that’s one of my goals this year. I want to show you the real me. I’m still trying to figure out who that is, but maybe we can figure it out together! So, here’s a few of my biggest struggles. Let me know if you feel them too! 

I want to get married, but I don’t want to date

The struggle is so real. I hate dating. The whole concept just makes my skin crawl. All I can see is rejection and a waste of time. What a painful and miserable thing to torture yourself with! 

Surely there is a better way to figure out your future life partner than endlessly swiping through a bunch of terrible pictures and pathetic one line introductions. No one ever responds to my profiles. Maybe this is why I hate it so much. Here’s what it says:

Looking for the love of my life, not a one night stand. I hate hiking and hanging out with friends. I’m more of a documentary and pizza in my blanket cocoon on the couch kinda person. I like books, podcasts and deep conversations about the meaning of life. I’m also super sarcastic, so no sissies, please. Must be passionate about something and have their own things going on. I need lots of alone time and don’t want someone who texts me 100 times a day. 

I don’t know why people find that intimidating. I think I sound absolutely lovely. *shrugs*

Wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely for the rest of my life

I was told that I’m too comfortable being alone. Now I’m worried about it cause I think it’s true. I have this little life full of routines that I enjoy and I don’t want anyone to mess it up. 

But I don’t want to be alone forever. I agree. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I am both. Sometimes I enjoy being alone. Sometimes I want to cry because of how painful it is. It’s hard being strong all the time. *sigh*

I can’t keep track of how much money I have…. Details…

OMG. My bank makes so much money off of me. I can’t seem to figure it all out. (I don’t need helpful advice. I just want to complain). I should be smarter than this. I really should be. 

But then I want to be more gentle with myself. The bills do get paid. Nothing has been turned off or repossessed. I haven’t been evicted… yet. 

Confession: my credit score is incredibly low. Like people see it and make comments like, “Oh, I didn’t know it could be a negative number. Huh.” I don’t know why I feel like that’s somehow tied to my worth as a person, but I seem to believe there’s a direct relation. It’s hard to break that habit. 

If you have this belief too, let me reassure you: you are worthy of love if you are broke. You are worthy of love if you have filed bankruptcy or been fired or are homeless. I have been and done all of these things. I’m still here and still worthy of love. It’s a whole new thing that I’m working on, but the more I tell myself these things the more I believe them.

Being forgetful

I’ve noticed recently that I can’t remember anything. I don’t know if it’s age or stress or alzheimer’s, but it’s a thing now. I wandered around Target for an hour the other day trying to remember what I was looking for. It’s bad. I even forgot where I was going on my way to Target. That’s something my mom does all the time!

It’s like look for my phone while I’m holding it bad. And think about something I need to remember, open the notes app on my phone and instantly forgetting the thing I was gonna write down. *Facepalm*

Feeling like my life is a mess

I constantly feel like a mess. Every time I think I have things figured out and now I’m gonna be all adulty and responsible, something else happens. It’s like my adultness is built on a house of cards and and one thing as simple as a cold can bring it down in a flash. 

I don’t like going to the doctor by myself

I had a massive asthma attack last week and I called my mom because that seemed like the thing to do. She told me to go to the doctor, which was super unhelpful advice.

So, I had to schedule a doctor’s appointment ALL BY MYSELF. It was way too hard. It involved calling 5 different people (because they HAD TO HAVE a referral) and trying to remember my schedule and telling them my problem. It felt like way too much. 

Now I have to go by myself too. It just doesn’t feel right. They ask me my problem and I want to look at my mom so she can tell them but she’s not there because she lives 1,500 miles away and I’m 34 and supposed to be able to handle this all by myself. It’s really too much. 

I’m more interested in Netflix than being productive on the weekends

I always have big plans for the weekend. Two whole days to do whatever I want!! That’s usually 16 – 20 solid hours of Grey’s Anatomy. 

I get back to work on Monday and people ask me what I did. I don’t like that question. They just ask so they can tell me what they did. They think it’s fun to go hiking in Vermont or sailing in Rhode Island. I’ll stick to my blanket cocoon, thank you. 

Knowing exactly how to fix everyone else’s problems, but not my own

OMG. It’s a whole thing. I have to imagine that my problem is my friend’s problem and they are asking me for advice. So I come up with some KILLER advice and then I do the same thing that my real friends do when I give them killer advice: completely ignore it. 

I wish I had some answers for you all here. I don’t. Like I said, I don’t know how to solve my own problems. But I want to be more real and honest. The only way that we can feel more understood is by putting it all out there and hearing other people say “OMG ME TOO!!!” So send me the ME TOO’s!! Tell me I’m not the only one who feels like a fake adult, spends too much money and watches Grey’s Anatomy all weekend!

As Glennon Doyle says, “We can do hard things. We can’t do easy things, but we can do hard things.

You’re not doing it wrong. It’s supposed to be hard. But we can do hard things.”