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How INFJs Fall In Love

Do INFJs fall in love easily?

INFJs fall in love easily sometimes and sometimes they don’t. INFJs have high expectations for their romantic partner. We want more than just surface-level attraction. Sure, we want someone who we find attractive, but they have to be compatible with our personality, morals and values in order for us to make time for them in our lives. We want someone we can connect with on a deep and meaningful level. We rely on our intuition to help us know that we’ve found the right person. 

But every once in a while we run across someone who is everything and we know all at once. This doesn’t happen often and we don’t tend to jump in right away. We just know right away that they are the one. We’ll still take our sweet time is getting to know them and make sure that they are everything we think, but everything is just easier with them from the start. 

There are a few things that make it more difficult for INFJs to fall in love. 

Have guard up

INFJs spend our lives being generally misunderstood by nearly everyone we know. We are also a lot more sensitive than we like to admit. Because of this, we’ve been hurt over and over in our lives. When meeting someone new, we put our guard up for protection. 

It takes a while to lower our guard. We want to move through the process slowly and surely, to get to know our partner in our own time and way. 

Want to be understood

INFJs spend so much of our lives feeling misunderstood. We know that very few people will ever really understand us, but we want a partner who tries to understand us as much as possible. It’s important for our partner to make an effort and appreciate us for our complexity. 

It’s all about chemistry… or what we call intuition

INFJs look for a feeling more than anything. Most people call it chemistry, though we call it intuition. We have a very well honed intuition. We know things before we can explain how we know them. This applies to a lot of things in our lives, but certainly people. When we first meet someone we know a lot about them, including if we like them or not. Most people are just people, but every once in a while we meet someone really special that we just click with. We know that person will be important to us instantly.

Too picky?

INFJs take finding a partner very seriously. We’re very organized and typically have a list of characteristics that we want in our ideal partner. We’re not interested in dating just to date and we won’t settle for someone who is less than what we want just to have a partner. Some people call us “too picky,” however, our choosiness leads us to find partners that are well suited to us. When we find our ideal partner we rarely take them for granted.  


What do INFJs find attractive?

INFJs look for several qualities in a romantic partner: understanding, intelligence, passion and compatibility, to name a few. But we also don’t mess around. We want someone who is committed and who’s looking for true love. We’re not interested in dating just to date. 

Understanding

INFJs find anyone who tries to understand them interesting. We like people that we connect with and who make a genuine effort to understand our thought process and point of view. We’re used to people who just don’t bother, so if someone does make an effort, it’s noticed by an INFJ. It’s rare. 

Intelligence

INFJs have a high level of intelligence. We like to immerse ourselves in our passions, so we tend to know a lot about a lot of different things. Our favorite pass time is learning new things and we love to share those things with anyone who’s interested. We are attracted to people who have the same thirst for learning and the same passion for exploring the unknown.

Passion

INFJs are very passionate about our hobbies and interests. We are attracted to people who are passionate as well. That passion doesn’t have to be about the same thing that we are passionate about, it just has to be as strong as our own. Oftentimes the passion is just as attractive as the activity that is being pursued. 

Compatibility and attraction

While surface-level attraction is important to INFJs, it’s not the only thing we consider in a partner. First and foremost we want compatibility. We’re a bit different than most people. We want to discuss the meaning of life and the dark side of the moon, so if you’re content to talk about the Kardashians and The Bachelor, it ain’t gonna work. 

Want true love, not just a partner

Most INFJs are really serious about dating. We’re not here just to date. In our minds, dating just to date is a complete waste of time and really kinda like torture. I mean, talking to people, going out to noisy clubs or restaurants, small talk… I can’t think of anything worse! If we’re gonna put forth that much effort and fight through all of those things that make us uncomfortable, you’d better be serious.


Who are INFJs most attracted to?

ENFP

ENFPs are a great match for INFJs. Their function stack is opposite of ours, but we share some of the same preferences, N F. They will understand our intuition and our tendency to feel things very deeply. Their other preferences for extroversion and spontaneity are a nice contrast to our quiet organization.

ENFPs are bright and bubbly people, but still intuitive enough to know how to connect with INFJs. They’ll break down the warriors we put up and be understanding and sensitive of our quirks.

INFP

As an INFJ, I’m very partial to INFPs. They are the exact opposite of our functions. However, we share three preferences, I N F, so we have a lot of common ground to work off of.

Here’s my thought process: INFPs are introverted, so no forced social gatherings on the regular. They’re intuitive, so bring on all the deep conversations about life and meaning and depth. They also read between the lines and just know things, like we do. Also, they have all the feels too.

Then there’s that last letter that makes all the difference. They are the spontaneity to our planning and the mess to our organization. They are also the rainbows and lightness to our dark and heavy. They can lift us up to see the good in things and people, but also sit with us in the peaceful calm, just being alone… together.

Learn more about INFJ dating here: The Ideal Partner Type for an INFJ


What personality type is the ideal match for INFJ? 

The ENFP personality type is the ideal match for an INFJ. That’s what most people will tell you anyways. They are different enough from INFJs to make like interesting, but also similar enough that we have a lot in common with them. They are extroverted and spontaneous which contrasts our quiet organization rather well.

The fact of the matter, though, is that everyone is different. While some INFJs will enjoy an extrovert in their lives, others will not. Some of us INFJs like the peace and quiet and don’t want to be pulled out of our shell. It’s completely up to you to decide what type is right for you.


How do you tell if an INFJ is attracted to you?

It might be kinda difficult to tell if an INFJ is attracted to you, but there are a few things that you can look for.

They’ll make up excuses to be around you

INFJs aren’t people people. We’d much rather spend our free time alone, so if we’re around a lot, that’s a good indication that we like you, at least on some level. If we really like you we’ll actually make up excuses to be around you. If the INFJ in your office generally brings her own coffee to work, but now makes coffee in the break room and just happens to be in there when you’re in there… well, she probably likes you.

They’ll talk to you

As introverts, INFJs typically aren’t super chatty. We like to keep a low profile. But if we like someone we’re more likely to talk to them. We might even start conversations with them, but we’d have to really like them to go this far.

They’ll spend time with you

INFJs value our time more than anything. We plan to have free time to do as we please. It’s important for us to only spend time around people that we really like and value. So, if an INFJ is spending time with you, you can bet they like you more than a little bit.


How do you tell if an INFJ is interested in you? 

They’ll spend time with you

Our time is important to us, so if we put you on our calendar we are interested. It we accept a second date, we’re really interested. INFJs generally know pretty early if we are interested in you or not. We won’t waste your time or our time on someone we don’t like. That’s for sure.

They’ll go out of their way to help you

INFJs are constantly thinking about other people. It’s that extroverted feeling function of ours. But it can also be a good indication of our feelings. If we’re going out of our way to make you cookies or help you with that report that you’ve been putting off, know that we have feelings for you. We might even stay late to help you with something. Maybe.

They’ll talk to you

As introverts, INFJs are pretty shy. We like to sit back and watch the conversation, especially when we’re around people we don’t know very well. We’re most comfortable as the wall flowers. When we like someone we’ll make an effort to talk to them.

They’ll be direct with you

Once we’ve gotten to know you a bit, an INFJ will tell you directly if they like you or not. We are very direct in our communication style and want you to know that we are still around because we appreciate you.


How do you get an INFJ to fall for you?

The best way to get an INFJ to fall for you is to try to understand them. INFJs spend the majority of our lives feeling misunderstood and alone. Most people just don’t make an effort to understand us. If you’re able to do this and communicate to us that you enjoy doing it, them we’re way more likely to fall for you.


What is it like to be in a relationship with an INFJ? 

Want to get to know our partners

INFJs are very intuitive people. We want to get to know our partners on the deepest level possible. We want to understand them as much as we can, from the day they were born right up until this very moment.

Visualize and anticipate what your partner needs

Because we know so much about our partners we can show up for them in the most amazing ways. We’ll know what they want long before they know they want it. We’re tuned into their feelings as well. We know when they’re having a bad day and the best things to do to help them in whatever way they prefer.

Calm and Intense

INFJs can be very intense about the people we love. We want a magical experience of intimacy and we know how to get it. At the same time, we’re calm and quiet. We enjoy our free time and will most likely still spend a lot of time alone. We’re most happy with someone that we can be alone together with, someone who is content to sit in the same room and read or write right along with us.


What are INFJs like in relationships?

INFJs make wonderful life partners. We are thoughtful and kind to our partners, anticipating their needs before they do. Our mission is to please them the best way we know how. We are interested in every detail about our partner and catalog that information for use in our daily routine. You can count on us to remember you birthday, how you order your coffee, that restaurant you said you wanted to try and that brand of cookies you said were to die for.

We are quiet, yet intense at the same time. INFJs don’t take relationships lightly. If we’re in it, it’s because we’re serious about you and want you to show up the same way for us.

INFJs may be hesitant to share our fears, needs and feelings. Our extroverted feeling function makes it natural for us to focus on everyone else’s needs and feelings and really difficult for us to stop and think about ourselves. It’s a process that takes time, so be patient. We’ll get there.


Are INFJs good in bed? 

INFJs are amazing in bed. We have a function called extroverted feeling that makes us focus on the needs of others, especially those who are closest to us. We anticipate their needs before they do. We also have very active imaginations that we love to explore things with. When we really love someone we can let our imagination and our need to please run wild.


What is the end of a relationship like for an INFJ? 

The end of a relationship is really determined by what caused the end. INFJs are very concerned about other people, due to our extroverted feeling. We try and try and try to make things work. But there is a limit to the tries. Once we have reached that limit, and we feel like there is nothing else we can do, we walk away.

Depending on the person and the level of drama we predict, we may walk away without saying too much or maybe leaving a letter. We’re not ones to make a big scene or a grand exit. We’ll go quietly. We’ll leave your life so completely that you’ll wonder if we even existed at all.


How do INFJs recover from a breakup?

Recovering from a breakup can be really difficult for INFJs. We pour our heart and soul into our relationships. We spend so much time trying to make our partner’s life better and easier. We invest so much of ourselves into communicating with them and understanding them. We suffer very deeply when our heart is broken, even if we saw it coming or knew the relationship wouldn’t last.

It can take a while to work through all of the feelings and to even start to see ourselves without that person in our life. But once we do start to see that, we shut the door for good. No need to go back there and feel all that hurt again.

Learn more about INFJ dating here: 9 Ways to Recover From a Difficult Breakup

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One Sided Love | INFJ Love Story

“He was never mine, but losing him broke my heart.” 

Last week I had a dream about someone that I haven’t thought about in a while. Thinking about him used to be a daily routine for me. I’d wonder what he was doing at the moment, what he was eating for lunch, what he was watching on Netflix, what he thought about in his free time. I thought about him a lot. It was my favorite thing to do. 

I hate talking about him. Mostly because of the embarrassment. My friends and family don’t know. I’ve only spoken about him to a couple of people. 

You see, I didn’t actually know him. I only met him one time, for just a moment. So, for me to say that I loved him is really embarrassing. But I did, for the better part of 6 years. 

I knew everything that I could know about him without actually knowing him. I could put the CIA to shame with my investigative skills. I lived within a few miles of him, knew his friends, shopped at the same grocery store… ok this is starting to sound like I’m a stalker. I guess I kinda am. I didn’t mean for it to be creepy though. 

Actually, I had hoped that someday I would casually run into him accidentally, that really wasn’t accidental at all. I imagined that a mutual friend would introduce us, knowing how perfect we were for each other. 

Instead, he met someone else and they got married. 



I’d never felt so much pain in my life. I had no idea that emotional pain could cause that kind of physical pain. I realized how people can die of a broken heart. It really does cause immense physical pain. I thought that I would never be the same again. It was everything I could do to make it through just one day. But somehow I did. Day after day passed and the pain stayed. 

For a while, I hung onto hope. But after a few months had passed I realized that I should move on. I didn’t know how. How was I going to stop thinking about him? I thought about him constantly. I couldn’t fathom NOT thinking about him. I couldn’t even imagine it. 

I sat with the idea for a while, imagining a life without him. At first, it hurt. But slowly I started to like the idea. I don’t remember when exactly I made the decision, but I finally decided to stop, to let him go completely. It took a conscious effort to let him go. It was slow at first, and then all of the sudden. 

One day I realized that I hadn’t thought about him. I felt a tinge of pain because I was losing him, but also hope that I was capable of going through the day without him. Eventually, I realized it had been weeks and even months since I’d thought about him. And the pain was gone, which is the best feeling. 

INFJ Love Story

I’ve read a lot about INFJs and love. We seem to have a lot of trouble finding the right person. We don’t get attached to people like others do. We’re not here for the superficial things. We don’t like small talk, swiping apps or singles dating events. We want something that is a lot deeper. We want deep conversations about the meaning of life and the dark side of the moon. That’s not easy to come by. 

And finding someone who you like to look at and talk to, who is single, available, the sexual orientation you want and the gender you want… well, it’s exhausting. 

What’s the answer? 

People ask me questions about relationships all the time. I want to laugh when I see them. Not that I mind people asking me questions, it’s just the I’m the WORST person in the world to answer relationship questions. I can tell you what not to do. That’s about it. 

I’ve asked all of my friends how they met their spouses. All of them have these cute little stories about how their whole world changed. One met her husband in a diner she was working at. One grew up with her husband and they always knew they would end up together. One got divorced and moved into an apartment with roommates, one of whom ended up being her husband. 

The stories seem so simple, yet so complicated. So close, yet so far. One of these days I hope I get to have a story like this of my own. For now, I have to deal with the waiting and the not knowing. It’s a whole different kind of pain. 

Here’s the point

The point is I want you to remember that there’s always hope, even when it seems so far away and so impossible. It’s so simple. You just have to reach out there and grab it. You might have to put a little bit of effort into it, but when you do, the pain will go away. Maybe not all at once. Maybe it will be slow at first, but it will come. 

Maybe you’ll have to sit with the pain and the uncertainty for a while. Maybe it will feel weird or embarrassing. Maybe you’ll have to admit to yourself that you did something that you knew would lead to pain, but you did it anyway. Hopefully, you can forgive yourself for this, as I have. 

This life may not be what you thought it was going to be, but it can still be amazing and wonderful. It’s never too late. You’re never too old. There’s always hope. 


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9 Ways to Recover From a Difficult Breakup

By: Sarah Woehler, Life & Relationship Coach

Whether we’re the ones doing the breaking up or on the other side of it, no breakup is ever easy. But some are definitely worse than others, especially when we fall hard (as INFJs do, once we decide to), putting our all into the relationship, showing sides of us we seldom show to anyone, to eventually wrapping ourselves in the glow of love and lust and our partner becoming “our person”, in some ways our everything, only for it to eventually — be it a year or a decade — come to a dismal end.

Our heart breaks even if there were aspects about the relationship that were challenging, even impossible at times, because we love so deeply, so intensely that our every being was consumed in the relationship, and now it’s over so what do we do? As trite as it sounds, time heals all wounds, but here are some other tried-and-true ways to recover from that difficult breakup, whether you’re an INFJ or not.  

1. Accept Where You Are

You didn’t fall in love overnight. It took time to develop these intense feelings, so of course they’re not going to just go away because the relationship didn’t work out. Because of this, allow yourself to really feel the sadness, anger, hurt, and remorse. Cry it out, let yourself reflect on both the good and the bad times you had with your ex. Really feel the hurt so that you can move on when the time is right — for you.

2. Take To Your Journal

As an INFJ, I’ve kept a journal for as long as I can remember, but it wasn’t until I left my marriage that I started journaling consistently. It was my salve as I was going through my divorce, struggling with sleeping at night, wondering if my ex was okay, feeling the hurt for both of us. My journal was a place to hold my feelings, to get the pain out of my head and my heart so that I didn’t feel the internal pressure to cradle them with my every being. My journal was like a box that I could drop my emotions into, at least for the time being. Even if it’s just a sentence or two, write what you’re thinking or feeling. Burn the page afterward if it helps to minimize the self-consciousness of writing. But give yourself the gift of expressing the pain and the hurt so it doesn’t weigh you down so much.

3. Talk It Out

Journaling is a great way to work through emotions, to get them out of your head and onto paper, but when going through an especially tough breakup you’re going to need someone to talk to, another human to help process your pain. A good friend is always helpful, but should you need guidance from an expert I’m a huge advocate for finding a therapist or relationship coach to help you through this tough time. 

4. Get Some Exercise

The first few days of a difficult breakup it may be hard to get out from under that blanket on the couch, and that’s totally okay. But by day four, force yourself to get some movement. If going to the gym isn’t your thing, then go for a long walk, listen to some music or an inspiring podcast, and take note of how you feel afterward. Endorphins are powerful especially when you haven’t felt them in a while. 

5. Don’t Speak To Your Ex

At least for a while. I’m all about being friends with my exes, but it’s all too easy to fall back into old, comfortable patterns especially if there’s no buffer in between breaking up and “just talking.” And be real about it. If they’re texting you late at night or saying “I’m thinking of you”, tempting you to want to respond with a yellow heart emoji, instead take a long pause and think about what’s going on in your brain. Remember that your brain is basically trying to function without drugs (the drug of your former relationship) right now. It’s detoxing from your breakup. So any temptation of an easy hit will make it want to go right back where it was. If you understand intellectually what’s happening it’ll help you maintain distance, at least for a few weeks as you detox from your relationship. 

6. Let Yourself Feel the Pain

Since we’re talking about the brain detoxing from your relationship, know that it’s perfectly normal to hurt, for your heart to really ache from what you’re going through. Now is the time to have some compassion for smokers trying to quit, or alcoholics trying to give up alcohol, because you’re going through it now too. This is actually not that different from a neurological perspective. You may not be physically detoxing, but emotionally you are, and so it’s perfectly human to be hurting in all the ways you’re hurting right now. You may be more tired than usual or you may not be sleeping as well at night because you’re anxious. You may have no desire to put on mascara or get out of your PJs. Acknowledge it, accept it, but also do little things to comfort yourself: Make yourself a hot cup of tea, start a new book, let yourself watch TV a little bit more than usual.  

7. Stay Busy But in a Mindful Way

After the first few days of your breakup and you’ve binge-watched the entire last season of Schitts Creek, you’ve journaled, really felt your sadness, maintained distance from your ex, write out a to-do list, things you have time to really focus on now that you’re single. Maybe it’s an art exhibit you didn’t want to drag your ex to, or maybe you’ve been wanting to take a hike, or maybe you always fantasized about going to a restaurant solo. Now is the time to do these things, to start a hobby that you’ve been thinking about for months.

8. There’s a Reason For Everything

You may not see it or feel it now, but know that there’s beauty in the struggle. Anyone who’s ever gone through a hard time has grown from challenges. So look at this time as not a failure but instead an opportunity for becoming better as a human being. And also know that some things, actually many things in life, have a natural end just as they do a beginning. 

9. Resist The Urge To Start Dating Right Away

After a week or two you’ll probably start feeling better, maybe even a little bored, a bit listless and restless now that you’ve got so much time on your hands. But try not to sign up for dating apps right away. Remember: processing a breakup, especially after a significant relationship, takes more time than people realize. And also, boredom isn’t a reason to start dating again. Try filling your cup first, doing “you” for a bit, and acknowledge that when the boredom hits it’s time to reach out to a friend and make some plans. Depending on the length of your relationship, I recommend at least a month (perhaps longer if your relationship was over a year), until dipping your toes back into the dating pool. And once you’re truly ready, you’ll be so glad you gave yourself time to recover and really grow from your relationship — and your breakup.

Breakups have the potential to break us down or ultimately to make us better, teaching us things about us that we didn’t know before, forcing us to look deep inside at how we could do better or find better ultimately. These tips will help you work through the pain and the grief and hopefully come out better in the end. 

Written by: Sarah Woehler

Sarah Woehler is a life and relationship coach, helping people transform their relationships, careers & lives — from the inside out. She’s also a writer and host of the podcast, @interrelatepodcast.

Find her on Instagram at @SarahWoehler, Twitter at @sarahwoehler10, or her website at sarahwoehlercoach.com.

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Do INFJs Have a High Sex Drive?

I know you’re curious. I am too. But we don’t talk about these things… with hardly anyone. So, let’s make an exception here and be real and honest for a few minutes. Then we can go back to acting like we don’t want to talk about it, okay? 

It’s a whole thing… 

I got an email from Lauren White, an INFJ sexologist, a few months ago. She loves my blog, Instagram and Podcast and politely asked if she could be a guest. My eyebrows went up as I read her website and I got uncomfortable. How could I talk openly about this subject?? How could I do it without blushing and laughing uncomfortably a lot? I’d have to put sentences together about something I don’t even talk to my friends about? (Can you see the anxiety on my face?)

I quickly closed her website and her email and tried to ignore it. But that feeling of not wanting to be rude haunted me. But not enough to respond right away. I looked at the email everyday, just sitting there in my inbox, bugging me. One day I started thinking, “What am I afraid of?” 

What am I afraid of?

That’s a good question. Why am I hiding from this subject? I really want to help other people and I also really want to know the answer. I’ve seen some people write about INFJs and being very fiesty, so I thought, why not? And who better to ask this question to! I’m so glad that I did too. 

Lauren is an amazing and wonderful person so talk to. She’s so sweet and disarming. We had a great conversation about putting yourself out there and being open to new things, which a lot of times INFJs struggle with. 

You can hear the whole conversation here. 

So…. do we? 

I know you want to know, because this was the question I was dying to ask her. Do INFJs have a high sex drive? Here’s what she said

“Rather than high sex drive, I’m gonna say we’ve got a high libido. I think we’ve got a high interest in sex and the sexual. And we have a very rich fantasy world. 

“How that translates to the act of sex and being physical in sex, I don’t know that it always translates. I think that we are very comfortable having this rich inner world of safe fantasy and what could be possible and really getting romantic and deep intimacy and exploring the taboo. Whether we actually go and do those things is another question.” 

Laruen, this is not the answer we were all looking for and wanting, but it really does make sense to me. 

I did an informal poll in the INFJ Community group and out of 30 people who responded 18 said spending quality time with their partner was how they feel loved. But a third of respondents said physical touch was a close second. 

Here’s what I think

INFJs crave connection. We want deep intimacy. That craving is almost painful at times. We want someone to love us in ways that no one else has ever done, in ways that we didn’t even think were possible.

Like Lauren said, we spend a lot of time in our head thinking about how we want to be loved, imagining every detail. More than just physical intimacy, we want to be seen and understood on an intellectual and emotional level. We want someone to share our thoughts and hopes and dreams with. We want someone to understand our intuition and our “knowing” of some things. We want someone who’s comfortable being deep and dark at times. 

But we also crave someone that we can be ourselves with, who will enjoy our sense or humor and our need to be cautious and organized. Someone who is comfortable in the quiet and loves solitude.  

We are all about you

When we feel that connection, we are the type to think about what our partner wants and give it to them. We spend more time being focused on them and making sure that they are happy than we do thinking about us. It’s a blessing and a curse. But at the end of the day, what really makes us happy is knowing that our partner is satisfied and feels loved. 

It’s true what they say. You would be very fortunate, indeed, to have an INFJ as a partner.